Seven gruesome threats by 70s parents that would traumatise today's kids

KIDS in the 70s were told in no uncertain terms they’d ‘get a clip round the lughole’ and much, much worse. Here are some threats that would freak out the sensitive children of today.

‘You need putting in a bag and giving a good shake’

A low-level threat your parents could use when guests were round, with no mention of dismemberment or murder. It was still pretty weird to suggest imprisoning your own child in a bag like some disorientating Guantanamo Bay-style torture technique, mind.

‘Go and play alleys on the railway line’

Modern railway safety awareness makes it a bit unacceptable to suggest your child plays with marbles in front of a high-speed train. See also: ‘Go and play on the motorway.’ Was your dad a psychopath aiming to kill dozens of people in a horrific pile-up? Understandably, you could never take either seriously, so it was the equivalent for today’s kids of a half-arsed temporary Netflix ban.

‘You’ll feel the back of my hand’

Short, sweet and to the point: you will soon face violence if you don’t take that bloody spacehopper outside. Of course, whacking kids is forbidden these days, unless you’re in Asda, where it seems to be f**king compulsory.

‘I’ll have your guts for garters’

The threat of being eviscerated and your parents wearing your intestines was par for the course for 70s kids. Modern youngsters would find it a bit Cannibal Holocaust. But converting your digestive system into practical yet sexually alluring undergarments probably subconsciously screwed you up anyway. May have been the inspiration behind Lady Gaga’s famous meat dress.

‘I’ll make minced meat out of you’

Your parents didn’t have the necessary appliances to convert a human into strands of meat… did they? At the time there was reliable documentary of widespread child grinding in the form of Pink Floyd’s ‘Another Brick in the Wall’ video. In today’s more civilised society the child would be turned into pressed garlic or riced potato.

‘Stop picking your nose or your brains will come out’

If you’re not meant to pick your nose, how come a nostril is the diameter of a child’s finger? A medically illiterate threat as you’d have to reach in really far past various bones and tissues. This didn’t stop your parents warning you’d gradually lobotomise yourself with a pile of brains in front of you. Later in life blindness would be the supposed outcome of excessive activity of another kind.

‘I’ll spifflicate you’

No one knew what this meant, so the horror content would vary from child to child depending on their imagination. Could have been a hard smack, could have been sawing you in half. To a modern child it could mean ‘When you’re older, I’ll spifflicate your deposit on a house to good causes’. Chilling.

Five things you no longer care about if you're getting laid regularly

THE world is full of deeply concerning issues. However you’ll instantly forget about these if you’re satisfyingly shacking up three times a week.

Global warming

You’ve spent many hours fretting about the planet’s inescapable doom. But once you’re bumping uglies regularly the prospect of global immolation quickly becomes a distant memory. Greta Thunberg’s on it, you’ll remind yourself, before getting down to business. Hopefully not still thinking about Greta.

The cost of living

Your electricity bill is going to skyrocket over the next few months. You know what’s cheap though? Sex. And when you’re getting it that’s all that matters. All you need is the odd shower to not be physically disgusting and a few phone calls to arrange your shagging. So what if you have to light your home with candles and eat raw potatoes?

Your career

Facing another redundancy? Nothing to show for years of toil except for a handful of P45s? Plus you’re grossly underqualified in a highly competitive job market. Frequent shaggers couldn’t give a toss though, because they’re nailing the only 1-2-1 meeting that’s important, and they don’t even have to wear a suit.

Covid

Covid’s still here, even if we like to think the pandemic’s over. If you weren’t getting any then the thought of a new variant, being hooked up to a respirator or loved ones dying would terrify you, but you got your end away last night and you might again tomorrow. So all’s well in the world.

The unrelentingly grim war in Ukraine

It’s tragic and might result in us all getting nuked. But five minutes of sex – if you’re really good at it – is more interesting. Then when it’s over you can both hop on your phones and go ‘Oh dear, have you seen this?’ War – it’s horrific for the victims, but also a nice post-coital bonding moment for shaggers. Aw.