Seven ways your school forced you into binary gender roles that will horrify Gen Z

TEACHERS ruthlessly forced children of the 70s and 80s into traditional cisgender roles. Here is some of their systematic gender oppression that will shock today’s young people.

Gender-specific sports 

Schools rigidly enforced a rule of football for boys and netball or hockey for girls. Strangely, when girls did finally get to play football the earth did not fall off its axis, and now everyone loves the Lionesses. The system also produced millions of men with mediocre football skills, for which there is no demand whatsoever in the modern economy.

No drag queen storytimes 

This would have been incredibly popular. Not because kids wanted to explore different gender identities, but because they love any disruption to the school day. They down tools in an excited panic if they see a bee 20m from their classroom, for f**k’s sake.

A lack of strong female characters in playground games

At primary school, small girls could only pretend to be Princess Leia or Aunt Flo from Bod in imaginative playground games. Fortunately nowadays there is a host of hugely popular female characters to choose from, such as She-Hulk, Rey Skywalker, America Chavez, the rebooted Little Mermaid and Helena from The Dial of Destiny.

No LGBT+ sex education

Sex ed could easily include no mention of any other sexuality than hetero, and even then Mr Hughes the science teacher was clearly more comfortable with plant sex than the human variety. If asked to explain homosexuality he would probably have described it as ‘when a man plant puts his stamen up another bloke’s pistil’ before telling the class to label the ovules in daisies while he went for a fag.

Homophobic bullying

This was actually the main activity of male children at school between the years 1972 and 1990. If they’d spent the same amount of time on academic subjects as they did calling each other ‘bender’, ‘poof’, ‘arse bandit’, etc. the average male pupil would have emerged with approximately 200 GCSEs.

Stereotypical gender subjects

Boys were encouraged to do metalwork and technical drawing, while girls were expected to do English Literature and, for the show-offs, drama. Ideally there would have been a subject called GCE Books, Cakes and Kitten Grooming they could have fobbed all the girls off with, but feminism had been around too long. Perhaps as a result of the progressive ideas pioneered by the likes of Germaine Greer, all pupils ended up doing home economics, resulting in families having to try a warm egg and ham salad their 12-year-old son had brought home and nearly barfing on the spot.

A disgraceful lack of DILFs

It must have been enshrined in the Education Act that all schools had a bare minimum of three MILF teachers or French assistants, but scant attention was paid to the wanking needs of heterosexual female pupils or gay males. The maximum level of attractiveness of male teachers was using an underarm deodorant and not having a beard that reminded you of Peter Sutcliffe.

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'He lied, lied about lying, lied about lying about lying, and is generally a twat'

THE privileges committee has published its report into Boris Johnson lying to the House, and believes it can see a pattern.

After meticulously dissecting the former prime minister’s lies to the House, lies about lies to the House, lies about lies about lies in evidence to the committee, and now lies about the committee, the committee has concluded he may have issues with the truth.

The report said: “A lie is followed by a lie, the explanation for which is a lie and the follow-up to which is also a lie. We have entered an infinity of mendacity.

“Our conclusion therefore is not just that Boris Johnson lied and an application should be made for a restraining order stopping him coming within 500ft of parliamentary democracies.

“It is that every statement he has ever made, whether in his personal or political life, should be assumed to be a lie and his entire career voided on the grounds he is not only a liar but a twat.

“This incudes Brexit, the 2019 election, the London mayoralty between 2008 and 2016, all columns for the Telegraph and GQ, and three marriages. Thank you.”

Nathan Muir of Reading said: “Boris? Lied? No, I can’t see that.”