subscribe
/ Sign Out

Woman likes everything about doggy-style except the name

A WOMAN feels the main drawback to the ‘doggy-style’ sexual position is how massively degrading its name is.

Lauren Hewitt says having sex from behind is most likely to give her pleasure from her partner’s inept humping, but is less keen on the horrifying images conjured by the name.

Hewitt said: “It’s one of the few positions Steve can manage that I actually enjoy, and I can’t deny that not seeing his idiotic face when he comes is a plus.

“But call me old-fashioned, I just don’t enjoy being compared to a humping Alsatian when I’m having sex. Have you ever smelled a dog’s breath? It’s not good. I also don’t have a freakishly large number of tits, roll in fox shit or think the height of cuisine is a stinking can of condemned meat. 

“Nor do I have any of the other repulsive habits of dogs. I’m fully house-trained, for example. Is that the message I’m sending out whenever I do it doggy-style with a guy – ‘I’m a woman who shits in the garden’?

“Also, dogs are notoriously stupid. I’ve got a 2:1 in Modern History from Durham, so I find that particularly insulting.”

Hewitt’s partner Steve said: “I don’t see what Lauren’s problem is. She’s not actually a dog. We occasionally do reverse cowgirl, but that doesn’t mean that she’s ever herded cattle on a ranch.

“Although it is my favourite sexual position. I’ve always had a thing about Lady and the Tramp.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

'Ripe and ready' avocados, and other huge f**king lies told by supermarkets

HAVE you purchased an avocado you thought would be perfect but is hard as a diamond when you open the packet? You’ve probably fallen for these other supermarket lies too.

Fresh living basil pot

Ooh, lovely, you think, a nice pot of basil that you can pop on the windowsill and water, plucking fresh green leaves off to add to dishes throughout the coming weeks. Sadly the reality is that it turns black and shrivelled within seven hours of arriving at your home, so you bin it, along with your dreams of freshly made pesto.

Ripen at home plums

Allowing these to ripen at home seems like an excellent idea. You’ll enjoy eating them at the weekend. However, the weekend comes and goes without these tough little bastards softening even slightly. Then you come home from work one day and they’re mush. What the f**k happened during the eight hours you were out? A total mystery.

Soft French baguette

As you take it from the shelf, you can imagine yourself at breakfast tomorrow, slathering butter on this pillowy soft bread. However, by the time you get to it the following morning it’s become so hard that you could use it to knock out an assailant if necessary. You put it back in the bread bin only to find it’s gone mouldy three hours later. They’d be rioting about this nonsense in Paris.

‘Fully loaded’ pizza

Looking through the cellophane window on the box, this pizza certainly looks like it has been abundantly topped with mozzarella slices, peppers, ham and mushrooms. But when you open it ready for cooking you discover that this is the only fully loaded part and the rest of it has a smear of tomato sauce and thin scattering of cheddar. You spread out the toppings, and it still looks sad.

‘Ripe and ready’ avocados

The biggest supermarket con of all. You don’t bother squeezing them to check their ripeness, as it is very clearly stated on the packaging that they are fit for eating immediately. However, when you attempt to cut one open at home, it’s harder than titanium and unlikely to be anywhere near ready this side of Christmas. It won’t stop you buying them again though. Idiot.

Next story ›