Sexting ruined by knowledge of grammar

A STEAMY texting session has been ruined by a man’s familiarity with the subjunctive.

Tom Logan was hoping to spice things up with his partner Emma Bradford, only to find his mood deflated by her misuse of apostrophes.

Logan said: “We wanted to keep things interesting, but she’s never heard of subject-verb agreement which is fundamental to successful sexting.

“I can’t be attracted to someone who writes ‘my stockings and bra is coming off the minute you get home’.

“To make it worse, she wrote ’I want you to touch me down their’, and asked me about my ‘pant’s’. Then she sent me some very revealing photos, but all I could see was the comma splice in the caption.”

Logan attempted to ignore Bradford’s split infinitives and random use of semicolons, but eventually found himself becoming so irritated by her inability to distinguish between ‘its’ and ‘it’s’ that he had to call a halt.

He said: “I pretended I had a meeting, but really I just shut myself in the stationery cupboard with a copy of the Economist Style Guide to calm myself down. The misuse of ‘whom’ is a red line for me.”

Bradford said: “I get off on humiliating him by pretending I don’t know the difference between ‘fewer’ and ‘less’.”

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Hard kid from down the park tops FA list

THE hard kid from the park who always gets first pick of players has been tipped to replace Sam Allardyce.

The Football Association has sounded out the hard kid during secret talks outside the Londis next to the park. His weekly wage demands include six packets of Flamin’ Hot Monster Munch, 20 Lambert & Butlers and unlimited use of an Xbox.

An FA spokesman said: “Hard Kid has an impressive record of beating his mate Deano’s team week in and week out, playing exciting, attacking football often using a revolutionary 2-3-7 formation and rush goalie.

“Hard Kid is also a strict disciplinarian who is not afraid to pull down a miscreant’s pants when there are girls watching.

“He claims his dad is in the SAS, and we believe he may be telling the truth.”

However football analyst Stephen Malley said: “Hard Kid’s tactics are predictable, he always plays the fat boy in goal and insists on a defence made up of players whose voices haven’t broken yet.

“Also he has a criminal record from when he opportunistically stole a tray of plums.”