Humanity refusing to accept Nevermind came out 25 years ago

NIRVANA’S Nevermind album did not come out 25 years ago, everyone has agreed.

The alleged 25th anniversary has convinced middle-aged people that the media and the record industry have made a stupid mistake.

Accountant Tom Logan, 46, said: “I bought it when it came out, in around 2008, and I am still a young, vigorous man.

“Clearly there’s been a mix-up and they’ve celebrated the anniversary when it isn’t due for years yet. They must have gotten it confused with a Beatles or Stones album.

“Whoever made that glaring error is probably going to get sacked.”

Mum-of-two Donna Sheridan, 44, said: “If Nevermind came out 25 years ago I’d be quite old by now, but that’s clearly not the case because I wear trainers.

“Just the other day I was telling my son how Nirvana played proper music, not like this grime rubbish that’s just a load of noise and shouting without real instruments. That’s not the sort of thing an old lady would do.

“There’s probably a simple explanation for all this, like a cosmic temporal anomaly that’s added extra years to history.”

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Train becomes your house when you buy a ticket, say twats

THE train is your house on rails where you can do whatever you like, according to many passengers.

Customers think trains are their own private property where they are free to do things like eating kebabs, arguing with relatives and watching Netflix with the sound up.

Builder Norman Steele said: “I like to take my boots off and put my sweaty feet up on the table. It’s like being at home but without my wife complaining about the stench.

“Since I temporarily own my part of the train I’m also allowed to leave chocolate wrappers on the seats and to do a massive shit in the toilet without flushing it.

“On my next journey I’m taking it to the next level and sprawling out in just my pants watching football on my phone.”

Mum-of-two Emma Bradford said: “It’s good that trains become your house because I’d hate it if my kids had to stop playing with their bleepy electronic learning toys on long journeys.

“Being ‘at home’ also means I can talk loudly to my friends about things like my recurring yeast infection without feeling in the least bit self-conscious.”