Labour outlines new Hugely Popular With Voters TBC policy

LABOUR has outlined a new policy which will to appeal to broad swathes of the electorate, the details of which have yet to be confirmed. 

Deputy leader Tom Watson unveiled the policy, to be implemented by colleagues in energy, foreign affairs or the exchequer depending on what it turns out to be, at the party conference yesterday.

He said: “The media have been saying we can’t appeal to voters in middle England. Well this policy does, as you can see from bullet point four on the slide behind me, ‘Popular with voters in middle England.’

“And, as points one to three show, it is also a hit with our core voters, voters who have defected to UKIP, and the radical left.

“What is revolutionary about this policy is that is costs nothing, brings in £350 to £500 billion a year, creates almost half a million jobs in deprived areas and is completely Brexit.

“Support Labour to find out what it is.”

Conservative sources are not yet sure whether to condemn the policy as a disaster for Britain that would crash the economy and throw open borders to ISIS, or steal it.


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Man thinks Groove Armada song about sand dunes and shit is a classic

A 38-YEAR-OLD man believes that Groove Armada song about sand dunes and salty air is a classic piece of music.

Recruitment consultant Tom Booker confirmed that Groove Armada’s At The River, which once featured on a Mark and Spencer advert, is his favourite song of all time.

He said: “Am I fond of sand dunes and salty air? You’re fucking right I am. I like quaint villages too.

“The main thing I look for in music, or indeed any form of art, is that it has a nice, light summery feeling.

“This makes me think of being on a beach, perhaps eating a yoghurt.

“I imagine looking at all the things around me on the beach, like perhaps umbrellas or a small crab, and it feels nice. It is as good as any music that has ever been recorded in the history of the human race.”

Booker added that his favourite albums of all time is Monster Hits 19, Ministry of Sound Presents Mellow Beach Grooves 4 and “another one with a picture of a fit bird on it”.