Trump to become England manager

DONALD Trump will be unveiled as England manager this Saturday, the FA has confirmed. 

After Sam Allardyce was sacked for listing Wembley Stadium on eBay, the England squad is to become Trumpland Raiders FC. 

Trump said: “This guy Sam hasn’t got them a game in, like, four weeks. Sad. But with me they will be playing every single day. Twice on Saturdays, you better believe me.

“I have all the best football people, just the greatest. Ask Pele. Ask that gay-looking guy married to the singer, they’ll all tell you.”

England players met the bullish university creator last night, with striker Wayne Rooney immediately bonding with the new manager over hair-sculpting regimes.

The squad for next month’s qualifying match against Malta will be selected by pitting them against each other in a series of tests including running a pop-up bagel stand and launching a new type of men’s fragrance.

Trump said: “We’re gonna go to Russia and we’re just gonna take the World Cup before a ball is kicked, I can totally make that happen.”