Trump to become England manager

DONALD Trump will be unveiled as England manager this Saturday, the FA has confirmed. 

After Sam Allardyce was sacked for listing Wembley Stadium on eBay, the England squad is to become Trumpland Raiders FC. 

Trump said: “This guy Sam hasn’t got them a game in, like, four weeks. Sad. But with me they will be playing every single day. Twice on Saturdays, you better believe me.

“I have all the best football people, just the greatest. Ask Pele. Ask that gay-looking guy married to the singer, they’ll all tell you.”

England players met the bullish university creator last night, with striker Wayne Rooney immediately bonding with the new manager over hair-sculpting regimes.

The squad for next month’s qualifying match against Malta will be selected by pitting them against each other in a series of tests including running a pop-up bagel stand and launching a new type of men’s fragrance.

Trump said: “We’re gonna go to Russia and we’re just gonna take the World Cup before a ball is kicked, I can totally make that happen.”



Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

'Modern London' Monopoly only has dark blue properties

A NEW edition of Monopoly has every property, from Old Kent Road to Mayfair, coloured dark blue and priced at the maximum rate. 

The game still awards players £200 for passing Go but property prices increase by 20 to 60 per cent every turn, with rent payable on every square from the outset.

A spokesman for manufacturers Parker Brothers said: “It’s long overdue an update. I mean, a Free Parking square? In London?

“Most properties already have luxury apartment blocks on, raising rent to around £2,000, the utilities are privatised, Community Chest is means-tested and if you land on a train station you have to buy an annual season ticket.

“It’s still possible to win the game if you’re lucky enough to only land on Chance squares and the other players agree to club together to share a place.

“Of course within a couple of turns you’re in unmanageable debt and have no choice but keep joylessly playing and paying the bank for the rest of your life.”

Eleanor Shaw of Croydon said: “You know what looks good? Jail looks good.”