Sexually adventurous couple only doing it to look good

A COUPLE who experiment sexually are only doing it to appear broadminded, it has emerged.

Partners Tom Logan and Nikki Hollis are secretly repulsed by their fantastic love life but cannot give it up for fear of appearing repressed and suburban.

Logan said: “When we’re experimenting with new positions and love toys I really just want to do it in the old fashioned way with the lights off, or better still not do it at all and just watch a nice film like The Incredible Journey.

“Unfortunately we want to be the sort of sexually sophisticated people you read about in Marie Claire, so we’re just going to have to keep having mind-blowing orgasms however much we despise it.”

Hollis said: “I hate doing all these incredibly dirty things, but it does make me feel better than my friends with dreary sex lives. And you can’t put a price on feeling superior to other people.”

Tonight Logan and Hollis plan to install and use a sex harness in their bedroom, even though Book at Bedtime is a novel about Chinese peasants.

 

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Pope creates new saint to fight alongside him in battle against evil

THE Pope has used his canonising powers to create a new companion in his steadfast war against sin.

Pope Francis, whose former sidekick St Christopher was seduced by darkness last year, brought 17th-century missionary Joseph Vaz back to life and bestowed on him incredible new abilities with his canonising vision.

Francis said: “With the Vazzinator at my side, able to conjure confessions from the very mouths of our enemies, I am ready to take on Satan and his minions.

“Last time they struck I was weak from lack of humility, but a week washing the feet of lepers has recharged the powers gifted to me by St Francis to control all animals.”

The Pope then mounted his faithful tiger companion Cardinal Teodolfo, shouted ‘By the power of Catholicism!’ and rode off to fight the forces of sin with his glowing staff held high.

After the Devil is beaten, the Pope’s next adventure – “If This Be… Revelation!” – will be to forcibly convert all the Jews.