Shitness of bus travel unaffected by floods

THE general woefulness of bus travel has remained unchanged by the recent extreme weather.

While trains have been cancelled, bus passengers across the UK reported the usual levels of unreliability, discomfort and driver passive-aggression.

Bristol-based office worker Nikki Hollis said: “You’ve got to hand it to bus companies, they’re shit when it’s nice weather and shit when it’s stormy.

“I’ve been standing in the rain for nearly an hour waiting for nine buses to come simultaneously, presumably because the drivers were having a nice cup of tea together at the depot.

“When we finally get going, the bus stops after about fifty yards, then we wait for the drivers to swap over. This takes ages.

“The bus is cold with hard uncomfortable seats and an atmosphere of despair laced with hostility. There’s something about that consistency which is reassuring.”

Bus company director Tom Booker said: “Remember that buses are for poor people, who should be grateful for whatever they get, because it’s bound to be better than they deserve.

“If they’d got their lazy poor arses in gear and started their own bus companies they’d have made enough money to drive cars, like normal people.”

Commuter Stephen Malley said: “There’s a misconception of bus drivers as cheeky chappies who love ‘dolly birds’, fags and playing juvenile pranks on their supervisors.

“But when I pay a £2.50 fare with £3 instead of the exact change, my regular driver looks at me like he wants to kneel on my chest then hurt me with a fork.”

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Beyoncé 'surfing all wrong'

SURFING experts have condemned Beyoncé’s technique of grinding her crotch against her surfboard.

Surf shop proprietor Wayne Hayes criticised the star for setting a bad example to young surfers by “enacting some sort of sexual pantomime” with her board.

He continued: “Either do it the amateur way on your belly or take the classic two-footed stance, but try ‘graining on that wood’ like Bey recommends and you’re going to wipe out immediately.

“If I didn’t know better I’d swear the whole surfing thing is just a metaphor for straddling the cock of her husband, Jay-Z.

“And another thing: it’s a surfboard. Not a surfbort.”