Short woman with big umbrella turning pavements into human bowling alley

A SMALL woman with a massive umbrella is loving scattering people into gutters as she strides down pavements, she has confirmed. 

Lucy Parry is sending people tumbling left and right as she cuts a swathe along crowded pavements on rainy days, simply by holding her umbrella at exactly the right height to have their eyes out.

She said: “At five-foot-one, my experience of height is mainly not being able to see anything at gigs and having to buy children’s sizes, so you’ve got to take the perks where you find them.

“I love it when it pisses down. I get my golfing umbrella out and cause absolute havoc. People end up sprawled on the floor, clutching at their faces as if I’d just taken a razor blade to them, Peaky Blinders-style.

“The best bit is no-one can touch me for it. Who could get angry with a tiny lady who is simply trying to keep her hair dry? It’s the perfect crime.”

Pedestrian Ryan Whittaker said: “If she was just a tiny bit smaller I could squish her under my shoe and end her reign of terror.”

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'No points at Eurovision': Boris Johnson's incredibly harsh sanctions on Russia

WHILE Germany is piddling around cutting off their own gas supply to spite the Russians, I am leading the way by imposing these truly pitiless sanctions:

No points at Eurovision

It would be too cruel to ban Russia from Eurovision entirely, but that does not mean we cannot crush their spirits. Watching their dejected faces as they are snubbed by nation after nation will hit Putin where it hurts. I know it almost broke me.

Expelling them from the G8

I love being part of an elite gang that leaves out everyone else, and Putin’s twice the narcissist I am. Kicking Russia out would make him think again about this invasion. What do you mean they were suspended in 2014? Oh, it’s the G7 now? I knew that. I was joking.

Freezing a few bank accounts

You know what billionaire oligarchs like? Money. Freezing their accounts at every UK high street bank will put the mockers on their little game. They won’t have other accounts in other names because that’s illegal and they certainly don’t donate to me via shell corporations, I’ll tell you that.

Banning Marmite exports

Russia’s oligarchs love luxury British products like Marmite, Walkers crisps, Newcastle Brown Ale and episodes of the ITV drama Vera. I aim to stop all imports of these within the next six to 36 months. I’m afraid once that’s accomplished then Mr Putin will have a revolution on his hands.

A light slap on the wrist

Putin plays the hard man, but he’s actually intimidated by me. What other world leader is currently subject to a criminal investigation? I’m basically a gangster. He does not want slapsies from the Big Dog. I go to the Kremlin threatening that? He backs down.

Liz Truss

Russia’s corrupt regime barely withstood the last visit from the Trussmeister in her furry hat with her stern words. Send her back and his regime won’t last a day. He’ll give us anything to avoid that, including the whole of Ukraine, which would come in handy actually.