Shots are not a round, say experts

SHOTS do not count as a round of drinks, expert drinkers have agreed. 

The decision means that anyone who has been dispatched to get their round in and returns with a tray of shots totalling less than 330ml in liquid volume can be told to go back and try again.

Dr Helen Archer said: “First, shots completely ignore the social aspect of drinking, where the slow process of intoxication facilitates the development of conversations and builds rapport.

“Second, not everyone wants a shot. Not even if you imply they are boring for not wanting a shot.

“Third, shots are cheap. Buying shots doesn’t make you the party dude. It makes you the miserly bastard.

“In conclusion, shots are not a round. Get back to the bar and get us what we ordered.”

Archer added: “Leave the shots. We’ll have them. Shame to waste good shots.”

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We will abolish the monarchy if we hear one kind word about immigrants, says Sun

THE SUN has confirmed that if the Queen dares breathe one compassionate word about immigrants she is fucking gone. 

The newspaper’s demand that Gary Lineker be sacked for his ostentatious display of sympathy toward child immigrants is intended to terrify the Palace into submission.

Sun editor Stephen Malley said: “Nobody is more patriotic than us. Not England footballers, not war heroes, not elected politicians. Nobody.

“If we can turn on one big-eared national treasure bastard for the crime of calling hateful tweets about immigrants racist, then the heir to the throne better know he’s not safe. Half-Greek twat.

“We own this country, Liz. Remember 1997, when we didn’t think you were grieving enough? We can have an angry mob at your gates first thing tomorrow, guillotine all set up.”

Malley added: “Good girl. Keep that mouth shut and maybe we’ll get you a nice new yacht.”