Sunday, 9th May 2021

Sick freak keeps car and house keys on same ring

A PERVERTED anarchist monster who recognises no authority has outraged society by keeping their car and house keys on a single keyring. 

Nikki Hollis refuses to observe the sacred convention that house and car keys must be kept separate and instead attaches them to a single ring, which she sacrilegiously calls ‘the keys’.

Friend Tom Logan said: “It makes my skin crawl when she clatters them on a table, all intermingled in defiance of every rule that holds civilisation together.

“Imagine driving along with your house keys dangling from the ignition, all clinking together. I couldn’t bear it. I’d end it all by driving full speed into a tree.

“And what happens when you lose the house keys? You also lose the car keys, and vice versa. So you’re losing them twice as much. Also it’s morally repugnant and she should be hanged as a witch.”

Hollis said: “I don’t see what their problem is. Also I hate this world and just want to see it burn.”