Sick son of a bitch makes tea in microwave

A WARPED individual habitually makes cups of tea in a microwave, it has been confirmed.

Family, friends and colleagues of Wayne Hayes reacted with shock to news that he makes tea by putting a tea bag and cold water in a mug and cooking it in the microwave for a minute.

His mother, Margaret, said: “All I can say is that this isn’t the way he was raised. I’d like to ask for privacy as we come to terms with this as a family.”

Hayes’s best friend Jack, who has known him since university, admitted that he had ignored early warning signs.

He said: “I’ve saw him do it a couple of times, years ago, but I always assumed it was youthful experimentation or that the kettle was broken or something.

“I had no idea it was something he made a habit of. I feel like I’m partly to blame.”

Hayes said: “They’re really going to lose their shit when they find out that I drink cold baked beans straight from the can.”

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Man using pathetic scraps of evidence to convince himself woman fancies him

A MAN has convinced himself a woman fancies him based on extremely flimsy evidence.

Tom Logan views any vaguely positive interaction with friend-of-a-friend Nikki Hollis as a sign she is attracted to him, even if it is something incredibly minor like offering him a crisp.

Friend Nathan Muir said: “Recently Tom had a completely tedious chat with Nikki in the pub about when they stopped serving food. Afterwards he told me they’d ‘really clicked’.

“Then he wouldn’t shut up about it when Nikki sent him a link to a car insurance website she’d found useful. I think he might have thought it was romantic.

“I suppose I’ll just have to be here to pick up the pieces when he realises someone can text you directions to the pub without actually wanting to marry you.”

Office worker Logan said: “At the weekend Nikki and I were chatting for ages about films. She said Blonde was worth seeing and I said I would. We must have exchanged two or three emails. The chemistry was insane.

“Last week we bumped into each other in the supermarket and talked about prawns for well over a minute.”

Logan now plans to ask Hollis out, after she pretty much confirmed her feelings by offering him an old office chair she was getting rid of.