Single woman imagines married friends give a shit about her love life

A SINGLE woman is convinced her coupled-up friends cannot wait to hear the latest instalment of the crazy rollercoaster that is her love life.

Joanna Kramer, aged 35, can barely finish a date before her married pals are breathlessly receiving texts about the latest crazy twist in her wild romantic adventures.

She said: “I know they’re just sitting in domestic boredom with nothing to do but check their phones for the next update about life in the dating jungle.

“They’ll be goggling in amazement at the news that John, my motorbiking bad boy window-cleaner, is cheating on me with another girl which nobody could ever have guessed.

“Meanwhile Anders the Dutchman – I give them all brilliant nicknames – says he’s not ready to be exclusive but wants to keep our sexual connection alive, and I’ve met an intriguing new Tinder match who says he wants to be my Christian Grey.

“They love the drama. When I’m round there, they don’t let me talk about anything else.”

Friend Susan Traherne said: “Oh fuck, a text from Jo. She’s been dumped again.

“I’m pretending I’ve not seen it. Put Netflix back on.”

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Potato struggling with body confidence

A POTATO is feeling self-conscious of its weight and body shape compared to svelte vegetables like carrots and green beans. 

Tom Logan, a large King Edward baking potato, admitted that his lumpy body and pock-marked skin sometimes made him want to hide away at the back of a cupboard.

He said: “I remember when it used to be about how good you were to eat, not how good you look on fucking Instagram.

“But nowadays it’s all this Masterchef bullshit with dribbles of jus and nobody wants a big, fat potato on there, fluffy insides bursting out of its blotchy skin.

“I’m delicious – I know I am – but I just feel like I can go out there and flaunt my curves in front of those cutesy little asparagus tips. And there’s no way I’ve got the confidence for the Dauphinoise thing.”

Logan added: “Please, someone, just roast the shit out of me. You won’t regret it.”