Sink estate residents to be re-housed in underground tunnel network

DAVID Cameron has revealed that residents of demolished council estates will be re-housed in a vast network of underground tunnels.

The prime minister revealed plans to flatten ‘sink’ estates, claiming that they are a depressing environment compared to an exciting subterranean world under a Welsh mountain.

He said: “We need to take people out of these failing litter-strewn estates and let them feel the radiant warmth of the Earth’s core in their new cave-like home.

“Relocated to labyrinthine tunnel systems in a remote rural location, council tenants can scurry freely among wildlife, specifically rats and moles, while enjoying the fresh damp air.

“There will be ample burrowing work to keep them occupied, and at night the big wooden doors will be opened to allow them out to forage for mushrooms.”

“Over several generations the former tower block residents will lose all skin pigmentation, developing an aversion to sunlight as well as hunched posture from low ceilings.

“They will be happy in their tribal groups, while the tall slender surface people sit in big-windowed cafes chatting about podcasts and camper vans.”

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Voodoo Ray confirmed as English National Anthem

THE chanting bit from rave classic Voodoo Ray by A Guy Called Gerald will be sung at international sporting events, it has been confirmed.

The catchy techno 90s techno favourite will replace God Save The Queen, being both musically superior and easier to sing because the only lyrical content is an ‘ooo’ sound.

Ministers voting on the change rejected alternatives including I Vow To Thee My Country and There’ll Always Be An England on the grounds that they are ‘bollocks’.

A government spokesman said: “If you dropped I Vow To Thee My Country at a warehouse party it would kill the vibe stone dead.

Voodoo Ray is the perfect anthem in that it is genuinely uplifting while also not really having any words, which saves thousands of people going ‘God save the queen, mumble mumble’ in a half-hearted manner.

“It reflects Britain’s proud cultural history of multiculturalism, technological innovation and necking loads of gurners.”