Six disasters that would be blamed on wokeness if they happened today

EVERYTHING that’s wrong nowadays is blamed on wokeness, so maybe it’s time to start re-evaluating historical issues too. Like these:

The Great Fire of London

Building houses out of wood and baking bread at home is exactly the sort of thing middle-class eco-warriors like to do, so there must have been loads of them around in the 17th century. Plus, namby-pamby snowflakes like Samuel Pepys were too busy journalling about their feelings to attempt putting it out.

The destruction of the Library of Alexandria

Historians say this was down to Julius Caesar accidentally torching it during his war against General Pompey, but it’s far more likely that it was a false flag attack by cultural Marxists intent on removing books they didn’t like from circulation. Probably ones they thought were racist and sexist, like The Famous Five.

The Black Death

Those sheeple peasants were too busy being woke to rise up and condemn the plague for what it really was: a plandemic arranged by the New World Order, which existed even back then. How could 200 million people worldwide perish without anyone being suspicious? It wasn’t down to a deadly bacterium, it was instigated by the villainous abacus inventor Sir William Gates.

The Titanic

Did you know the captain of the Titanic didn’t steer the ship out of the way because he was afraid of offending the iceberg? And that they only provided lifeboats to the rich passengers because otherwise the woke mob would have said they were racists for assuming working-class Irish people couldn’t swim? That’s the truth, but you won’t see it in the liberal Hollywood elite whitewash film.

The eruption of Mount Vesuvius

Historians argue that the citizens of Pompeii were caught out because they didn’t know that Vesuvius was an active volcano. What actually happened is that a woman who mentioned that the summit was looking a bit smoky today was accused of performing a micro-aggression against the volcano and nobody dared comment further until lava was lapping at their front door.

The extinction of the dinosaurs

Extinction truthers know that the dinosaurs were too busy explaining their pronouns to each other to notice the six-mile-wide asteroid plummeting towards them. Apart from one, a triceratops who saw it coming and tried to raise the alarm, but got immediately shouted down for daring to talk over a self-identified female pterodactyl.

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Chug while the Pointless ticker drops: Five early evening TV drinking games

TEATIME telly can be hard going. Here are five drinking games that’ll see you all the way through to 8pm – when you can get pissed to something better on Netflix.

Chug while the Pointless ticker drops

You can’t help but play along, even though your general knowledge is shit, the contestants only ever win 50p and they’re all clearly furious they didn’t get on The Chase. To spice things up, get some strong lagers in and chug them for the entire time the ticker is counting down. Gill and Kevin from Shropshire might’ve just scored 17 points but you’ve puked Kronenbourg all over your carpet. Which was more ‘pointless’?

The Antiques Roadshow happy hour

A weekend treat. As soon as the iconic theme tune begins you have to drink until Fiona Bruce starts her opening link in front of a sumptuous country house. From then on the rules are simple: drink whenever anyone looks disappointed at a valuation; whenever an expert is dressed like a twat; and especially when a punter tries to edge into the back of shot to get themselves on the telly. Looks like somebody’s going to be hungover on Monday.

Neck a bottle of vodka during Hollyoaks

If you’re watching this abject shit about Chester’s most moderately-sexy twats you’ve probably lost the remote. So you’re entirely justified in making it more interesting by legging it to the shop and buying the cheapest bottle of voddy available. Your challenge: down it over the next 30 minutes. That’s it. No other rules. Off your head on a dangerous alcohol rush, the weak plotlines will start to make sense, the dialogue sound like David Mamet, and the cast turn into Meryl Streep. It’s all a delusion, of course, but you’ve made it to Channel 4 news, which is infinitely more fun.

Drink when you’re baffled by The One Show

The Beeb’s flagship magazine show is known for some real handbrake turns – going from tap dancing to bowel cancer to garden gnomes in the blink of Alex Jones’ eye. To replicate this, change drinks every time they change topic – from wine to beer to spirits. Next rule – drink two fingers whenever a celebrity looks baffled by what is happening. Last rule – finish your glass when they ask a celeb their opinion on something they’ve no knowledge of, eg. Liam Neeson fielding questions on coastal erosion or Stacey Solomon speaking passionately about The Somme.

Come Drink with Me

Channel 4’s hit dining show is already a boozy affair. So just drink whenever a guest drinks. If you want to get really wrecked at 5.30pm on a Tuesday afternoon – and who doesn’t? – also chug whenever: one punter gives someone a low score just to be a prick, every time that bloke chips in with the sarcastic voiceover, and if someone is preparing a prawn cocktail and they immediately cut to another contestant telling the camera she has a fatal shellfish allergy. If it’s an omnibus, have a friend ready to call an ambulance.