Six entirely truthful statements the police might arrest you for making

WITH the police overreacting to the most minor anti-royal protests, it’s probably wise to watch what you say, citizen. Here are some things to avoid to be on the safe side.

‘The Daily Mail’s pictures of Prince George make me feel a bit ill’

If you’re not a granny, the official pictures of the youngest royals will make you feel fairly nauseous. Saying so will cause the police to do you for treason, when really it’s the Mail’s fault for creepy headlines like: ‘WHO’S ALL GROWN-UP NOW? BIG BOY GEORGE WEARS LONG TROUSERS!’

‘I’d shag Koo Stark in Star Wars

In spirit, this is hypothetically cheating on Prince Andrew’s model girlfriend from the 80s. An overzealous copper could easily find cuckolding Andrew disrespectful to the Royal Family, and you’ll have ample time to fantasise about deleted scenes from Star Wars as you do 12 years in HMP Wakefield.

‘I wouldn’t want to be one of Charles’ lackeys’

King Charles’ recent tetchy behaviour suggests being one of his servants is a f**king mare. You’d live in fear of being sacked for not getting the toothpaste perfectly dead-centre on his electric toothbrush. You traitor. You should be honoured to serve. Hopefully someone has reported you on 999.

‘I’m no fan of Meghan’s bullshit but Piers Morgan can f**k right off’

Morgan’s vendetta against a dippy Californian actress with a shite podcast smacks of ‘psycho ex-boyfriend the police would interview first’. Unfortunately he and the press have convinced millions of people she is evil. Meghan-sympathisers could be rounded up under the Riot Act. They might get a few cuts and bruises resisting arrest. Shame.

‘I hate yappy little dogs’ 

The Queen loved corgis, so three vanloads of riot police in space marine body armour could boot your door in at 4am. You’ll be charged with breach of the peace, because the cops have thus far shown no sign of caring how ridiculous the charges are. 

‘I’ve never really liked Purple Rain’

Despite being his most famous hit, some music listeners find Purple Rain by Prince cheesy and overproduced in comparison to more mature tracks like Sign O’ The Times. It’s got bugger all to do with the Queen, but the fact that it’s by someone called Prince is probably enough for a particularly dense plod to give you a faceful of pepper spray.

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Be tipsy throughout: Strategies for getting through the next five days

EVERYTHING is weird and it’s only going to get worse for the next few days. Here’s how to cope.

Be a bit tipsy the whole time

Approach it as you do Christmas, by maintaining a steady level of slight drunkenness throughout. Crack open a beer at 11am, or enjoy a few glasses of Buck’s Fizz with breakfast. Don’t drink so much you pass out though, as you don’t want to have to face any of this madness with a hangover.

Have that social media detox you’ve been droning on about

You’ve been talking about this since you joined Facebook in 2007, so maybe now is the time to shut your laptop and open a book? Sadly you’ll last 37 minutes before cracking and joining a vicious Twitter spat about whether Meghan Markle is holding Prince Harry’s hand too much or too little.

Experiment with psychedelic drugs

Have you always fancied trying magic mushrooms or LSD? This week is already going to be pretty surreal, so why not up the ante by getting off your face on psychedelics? Are you hallucinating Paddington Bear in the queue of mourners, or has some nutter made their dangerously dehydrated child wear a bear costume for five days? Who knows? 

Get really into it

Rather than trying to avoid the pageantry, go the other way and immerse yourself in it. Travel to London and The Queue, or make a life-sized model of the Queen out of cheese and put it in your front garden. No one will judge you, because everyone else has lost their mind as well.

Become feral

If you really can’t take it and need to escape the incessant mourning on TV, radio, the internet and in the newspapers, simply leave your house and go and live in the woods. You can forage for berries, shit in holes and commune with foxes. It will easily be the most enjoyable way to get through this nightmare.