WHEN you were an acne and angst-ridden adolescent, you filled your diary with outraged hysterical moans. These six have proved surprisingly accurate:
Mum and Dad don’t understand me
They don’t, they don’t try to, and they never will. It’s just back then it was about your music and now it’s about your facial hair choices and still driving a second-hand car. And now you’ve got kids who you don’t understand and do you care?
I wish I had bigger boobs / a bigger schlong
A valid hope back then when you were still sprouting, but you’re still vaguely hoping it and you’re 35? It’s time you came to terms with your B-cups and disappointing manhood. No matter what the unsolicited emails clogging up your junk folder promise.
I wish I could go off and live on my own somewhere
You absolutely still do. But instead of dreaming of escaping your mum and dad, your siblings and your school, you’re now dreaming of escaping your flatmates or girlfriend or husband or children.
It’s so unfair
It is and it always will be. Someone younger and with better hair always gets the promotion you were due, your neighbours will always have a fancier garden office than you, your siblings will always be loved more. It turns out that the primal cry of the disaffected teenager is one of life’s great truths.
Everybody hates me
Most probably, yes. Especially as you were the kind of person who spent their teenage years griping about their existential problems longhand in a diary. What is it now, Twitter? Guardian comments? Some kind of pathetic blog?
They’ll all be sorry
Oh, they’re sorry. It’s just that you hoped they’d be sorry because a disregarded teenager triumphed and became an incredible pop star, writer or leader of men and they’d be endlessly contrite about how they treated you. While in fact they’re just sorry you turned out like this.