Six locations to stay the f**k away from because it's the school holidays

THE summer holidays have begun, ruining these locations for the next six weeks. Stay the f**k away.

Parks

Like a stroll through the park at lunchtime? Not until September you won’t. Lone office workers eating chicken tikka wraps will be glared at by mums as if they’re child predators, frisbees will whack you in the side of the head, and if your dog dares chase a ball the consternation will travel miles. It’s their park now.

Libraries

You pop in to pick up the second volume of whatever bollocks fantasy trilogy you’re reading that you wouldn’t pay for, and there’s f**king kids everywhere. Colouring, singing, being told stories by some luckless prick. None actually reading, you notice. Presumably just being in proximity to books means it’s ‘educational’.

Any historic building

Cathedral, abbey or the former home of angler Isaak Walton: you’re visiting because you have some genuine interest. The kids are there because they started hitting each other with Xbox controllers at home, entrance is free and it’s raining. Good luck appreciating the rood screens in their company.

Art galleries

Whether a provincial gallery showing the unheard-of watercolours of John Sell Cotman or Tate Modern, it’ll be packed with children who could not give a shit. And whether packed into an activity room full of broken crayons or racing around crayoning the walls, they’ll make contemplating a painting entirely impossible.

Starbucks

You fancy a sit-down and a latte. But, selfishly, you’re not a family. So you’re treated as an interloper for taking a whole chair to yourself, bratty kids ask if you’re a hermit and when you’re going because mum wants the table, and you’re forced to overhear conversations about Olivia only biting other children because they provoke her. Get the latte to go.

Your own home

Got kids? Your own home is no longer a place of refuge. Homeworking is now impossible. It’s a climbing frame, an obstacle course and a behavioural experiment for feral children jonesing for their next sugar high. And it’ll be that way until f**king September.

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Five reasons you're not getting laid

NOT getting any sex? You’re probably sad and unshaggable due to one of these reasons:

You have dreadful dress sense

You might think your Superdry leather jacket paired with a natty little pork pie hat represents the height of sexy fashion, but you’re wrong. You look like a typical tragic bloke having a midlife crisis. Even grown men wearing full football strips look less desperate than you do.

You’ve got an irritating personality

You’re not bad-looking on the face of it, until you open your mouth and start talking bollocks. You still think your take on Brexit is fascinating, and are convinced that your foul-mouthed jokes are edgy rather than awful. It’s a wonder your own tosspot nature doesn’t put you off having a wank.

You’re aiming too high

You’ve got impossibly high self-worth and no man who isn’t rich, well-dressed and bearing more than a passing resemblance to Ryan Gosling is getting anywhere near the inside of your knickers. Unfortunately, your stupidly high standards disbar 99 per cent of the population and you need to wake up to the fact that being chatted up on Friday night at the local Wetherspoons is more your level.

You’re in a long-term relationship

When you met you shagged like horny rabbits, but that was eight years ago and the flames of passion have long since fizzled out. However, you’ve got a steady life partner so, while you aren’t getting any hot sex, at least you can console yourself  with the fact that you’ll never have to worry about paying the mortgage or sit tearfully night after night eating Tesco frozen carbonaras for one.

You’re just too f**king ugly

You have a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle. That’s why you aren’t getting any, plain and simple. The trick is to find someone at least as bad-looking as you are because you’ll both be so desperate that the shagging will be incredible. Lo and behold, your sex problems are over.