THE end-of-tenancy inspection has determined that you left the property in unacceptable condition. We identified the following problem areas requiring urgent renumeration:
Underneath the fridge
It weighs 170lbs unloaded and has been securely fastened to the wall since 2012. You have failed to clear the decade of grime, grease and dust beneath it. Probes using an endoscopic camera have revealed a shrivelled object, possibly a pea, that could attract a colony of vermin.
The gap between the U-bend and the bathroom wall
This area, covering approximately six square inches, has been cleaned but not within the last month. Fluff and public hair has collected because you thought you were too good to embrace the toilet while giving it a reacharound.
Behind the living room radiator
Our inspector acknowledges you did try to clean here. In doing so you dislodged and disposed of a broken plastic figurine of Olaf from Frozen dropped there by the child of a previous tenant. This was on the inventory when you moved in and is now missing. You will be fined for its loss.
The cupboard under the stairs
This 2m x 1m under-stair space, with characterful sloping ceiling, is advertised as a second bedroom. You appear to have used it as a storage cupboard without even dusting the period fuse board and gas meter. However, we are pleased that, as requested, you left a broken lamp and collapsed IKEA chair in here for the next tenant to deal with.
On top of the curtain rail
You arrogantly assumed no-one would see up here, did you? Thought you could shed skin cells onto the roller blind brackets penalty-free? Think again.
The hidden chamber beneath the bedroom floor
This secret space measuring eight feet wide and three feet high did not appear on the house listing and is only accessed by a trapdoor beneath the carpet. Undiscovered throughout your eight-year tenancy, it is full of dust and dead insects. You will be charged for a deep clean.