Six places no-one but a lunatic would think to clean and now we're keeping your deposit

THE end-of-tenancy inspection has determined that you left the property in unacceptable condition. We identified the following problem areas requiring urgent renumeration: 

Underneath the fridge

It weighs 170lbs unloaded and has been securely fastened to the wall since 2012. You have failed to clear the decade of grime, grease and dust beneath it. Probes using an endoscopic camera have revealed a shrivelled object, possibly a pea, that could attract a colony of vermin.

The gap between the U-bend and the bathroom wall

This area, covering approximately six square inches, has been cleaned but not within the last month. Fluff and public hair has collected because you thought you were too good to embrace the toilet while giving it a reacharound.

Behind the living room radiator

Our inspector acknowledges you did try to clean here. In doing so you dislodged and disposed of a broken plastic figurine of Olaf from Frozen dropped there by the child of a previous tenant. This was on the inventory when you moved in and is now missing. You will be fined for its loss.

The cupboard under the stairs

This 2m x 1m under-stair space, with characterful sloping ceiling, is advertised as a second bedroom. You appear to have used it as a storage cupboard without even dusting the period fuse board and gas meter. However, we are pleased that, as requested, you left a broken lamp and collapsed IKEA chair in here for the next tenant to deal with.

On top of the curtain rail

You arrogantly assumed no-one would see up here, did you?  Thought you could shed skin cells onto the roller blind brackets penalty-free? Think again.

The hidden chamber beneath the bedroom floor

This secret space measuring eight feet wide and three feet high did not appear on the house listing and is only accessed by a trapdoor beneath the carpet. Undiscovered throughout your eight-year tenancy, it is full of dust and dead insects. You will be charged for a deep clean.

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It would be a tragedy if we did not use this to attack Labour and the BBC

THE events in Israel are horrifying and tragic. But if we can use them to develop solid lines of attack against the BBC and Keir Starmer, then we must. 

For example, remember Jeremy Corbyn? A personal friend of Hamas and leader of the Labour party who Keir Starmer swore eternal fealty to? Because we do.

Why, it was only four years ago Starmer was trying to get that man elected, standing foursquare behind him and, by implication, terrorism. He as good as did this.

And on the subject of terrorism, what about the BBC? Who when reporting on these armed assaults failed to call Hamas terrorists in every single sentence they spoke and never once superimposed a red caption saying ‘terrorists’ when they appeared.

Isn’t the very timing of this attack during the Labour party conference suspicious in itself? Just when they need cover for their policy-free posturing, their friends start a war. What else set it off?

Nor does it matter that Corbyn isn’t in the party anymore. We’re two whole administrations away from the Conservative party of 2019, but people still unfairly link them to their past.

We cannot let the horror we are seeing in Israel go unused. To weaponise it against our state broadcaster and party of opposition is our duty as decent newspapers.

Signed by the Daily Mail, Express, Telegraph, and GB News