A WOMAN wouldn’t have invaded Ukraine, according to Boris Johnson, apparently unaware he was patronising them in a different way. Here are some more classic generalisations about the ladies.
They have an all-powerful maternal instinct
Are you child-free for whatever personal or rational reason? This is wrong. You should be a mumsy drudge pursuing your natural vocation of doing mountains of laundry with a happy smile. If you have children and they’re in danger, you must be able to fight off a bear or lift the weight of a car. No pressure or anything. Oh, and none of this applies to men, obviously.
They are the fairer sex
‘Fairer’ in the 17th century sense didn’t mean ‘nicer’ or ‘better’, it specifically meant ‘more beautiful’. It’s not clear how women can be more attractive when there are entirely different standards for each sex, but it does imply all women should be as pretty as Keira Knightley in a lovely historical frock. That’s not judging you on your looks, ladies, it’s a compliment. Don’t worry your pretty little heads about it.
Women are peaceful
Females hate war, as pointed out by Boris Johnson, a man not noted for his exemplary treatment of women. It helps if you ignore countless obvious exceptions like Margaret Thatcher and Elizabeth I. It’s unlikely Golda Meir had fainting fits at the idea of bombing enemies either. Also it suggests that if you really needed to fight a war, women would be useless Earth mother types, probably wearing unflattering dungarees.
Women are more sensible
A definite double-edged sword of a compliment. On the one hand it IS better to be sensible than, say, a testosterone-crazed lunatic who fights bulls or climbs high-voltage pylons to show off. The offensive bit is that it suggests women are (A) boring, and (B) lack men’s bold creativity and willingness to take risks. You’d rather be at home lactating, wouldn’t you?
They automatically choose caring professions
Women are overrepresented in careers like nursing and teaching because they’ve evolved to be gentle, like labradors. There’s definitely not some far-fetched explanation like people choosing jobs they see people like themselves doing. Whatever the cause, it means female partners are genetically selfless and just love tidying up after you and hearing about your day at work in brain damage-inducing detail.
Women make better bosses
Women are prepared to compromise, while male executives are locked in a dick-measuring contest, according to the cliche. Lower down the boss ladder, female managers really, really care about employees. Anyone who’s had an angry, bullying, possibly mentally unstable female boss may beg to disagree. Like most stereotypes, this one remains 100 per cent true if it never comes into contact with reality.