Six positive things to say about women that are actually a f**king insult

A WOMAN wouldn’t have invaded Ukraine, according to Boris Johnson, apparently unaware he was patronising them in a different way. Here are some more classic generalisations about the ladies.

They have an all-powerful maternal instinct

Are you child-free for whatever personal or rational reason? This is wrong. You should be a mumsy drudge pursuing your natural vocation of doing mountains of laundry with a happy smile. If you have children and they’re in danger, you must be able to fight off a bear or lift the weight of a car. No pressure or anything. Oh, and none of this applies to men, obviously.

They are the fairer sex

‘Fairer’ in the 17th century sense didn’t mean ‘nicer’ or ‘better’, it specifically meant ‘more beautiful’. It’s not clear how women can be more attractive when there are entirely different standards for each sex, but it does imply all women should be as pretty as Keira Knightley in a lovely historical frock. That’s not judging you on your looks, ladies, it’s a compliment. Don’t worry your pretty little heads about it.

Women are peaceful

Females hate war, as pointed out by Boris Johnson, a man not noted for his exemplary treatment of women. It helps if you ignore countless obvious exceptions like Margaret Thatcher and Elizabeth I. It’s unlikely Golda Meir had fainting fits at the idea of bombing enemies either. Also it suggests that if you really needed to fight a war, women would be useless Earth mother types, probably wearing unflattering dungarees. 

Women are more sensible

A definite double-edged sword of a compliment. On the one hand it IS better to be sensible than, say, a testosterone-crazed lunatic who fights bulls or climbs high-voltage pylons to show off. The offensive bit is that it suggests women are (A) boring, and (B) lack men’s bold creativity and willingness to take risks. You’d rather be at home lactating, wouldn’t you?

They automatically choose caring professions

Women are overrepresented in careers like nursing and teaching because they’ve evolved to be gentle, like labradors. There’s definitely not some far-fetched explanation like people choosing jobs they see people like themselves doing. Whatever the cause, it means female partners are genetically selfless and just love tidying up after you and hearing about your day at work in brain damage-inducing detail. 

Women make better bosses

Women are prepared to compromise, while male executives are locked in a dick-measuring contest, according to the cliche. Lower down the boss ladder, female managers really, really care about employees. Anyone who’s had an angry, bullying, possibly mentally unstable female boss may beg to disagree. Like most stereotypes, this one remains 100 per cent true if it never comes into contact with reality.

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Are you a massive school run wanker? Take our quiz

RECKON it’s fine to park in a disabled space because you’d get a ticket for stopping right outside the gates? You could be a school run wanker. Find out here.

Do you drive your child to school despite living within easy walking distance?

A) No. We walk to school together, enjoying the fresh air and sighing at the queue of SUVs we pass on the way.

B) Yes, because Bella is such a precious, delicate darling that she can’t walk more than 50 metres without needing a sit down. Oh, hang on, that’s me.

Do you park in an antisocial way that pisses off other people?

A) On the occasions I do drop the kids off on the way to work I let them out at the end of the road. There aren’t scores of child abductors hiding in bushes, are there, really?

B) Look, it’s not my fault if there’s nowhere to park right outside the gates. Anyway, disabled people and those who don’t like having their drives blocked shouldn’t live next to schools.

Do you leave the car idling while you watch your kid go through the door?

A) No, and I discreetly key the cars that are do this. Especially the one belonging to that nasty piece of work who spends ages gossiping while her car pumps out petrol fumes.

B) Yes, obviously. I’m an important person who needs to leave immediately. Unless I stay for a 40-minute chat through the window with my friend Janice, though.

Do you get annoyed with other people doing exactly the same thing as you?

A) What, strolling to school looking daggers at the bellends in awful cars? No, it creates a wonderful sense of camaraderie with other parents and children on foot.

B) Yes, it’s incredibly irritating when you’re trying to navigate your Range Rover Evoque around a queue of 17 other Range Rover Evoques. Do these bloody idiots think of anyone except themselves?

Is your vehicle far too large for the task?

A) My legs are perfectly sized, thank you. And extra toned because I’m not a lazy f**ker who can’t be arsed to walk their kids to school.

B) We need loads of room for me, Bella, her school bag and the massive, entitled chip on my shoulder, so no, it’s not.

Answers

Mostly As: You aren’t a school run wanker, but you’re teetering on the brink of being a smug twat. Annoyingly park on a double yellow occasionally to stop being so bloody superior.

Mostly Bs: You’re lazy, selfish and most definitely a school run wanker. Your pampered little shit of a child will grow up to be exactly the same. As will their children, and their children’s children, leading to endless generations of school run wankers. Well done.