Six questions Christians don't like being asked

THE Pope has ruled that ‘sinful’ same-sex unions can’t be blessed, so why did God create gayness anyway? And what about these thorny issues? 

What’s Heaven like?

Believers can never describe Heaven in detail. The Bible mentions something about living in mansions, but have they got a double garage? Are you even allowed to own a car? Is there a Waitrose? Can you have sex and if so who with? If my team wins the Champions League every year, how’s that Heaven for Arsenal fans? And so on.

What about suffering?

God gave us free will so we can be good or bad, otherwise we’d just be robots. He kind of tricked us into eating an apple to get it, but whatever. But what about bad luck? How could a loving God allow you to die a mundane, humiliating death like choking on a pork scratching?

How come God’s so quiet these days? 

In the old days God was always speaking up via a burning bush. But today’s prayers never get a clear reply like: ‘Yes, Steve, I’ll make sure your Auntie Sandra gets better. I’m on it.’ Are centuries of total radio silence not a tiny bit worrying?

What do you look like in Heaven?

You’ll surely have a body, not just be an ethereal wisp of human soul. So are you allowed to choose your age and appearance? What if your mum chooses to be 21? That’s going to be a Back to the Future mindf**k. Or do you look as you last appeared on Earth, even if you died falling into a wood chipper?

Why doesn’t God get rid of Satan?

Satan is a waste of space. All he does is either be evil or lure others into evil. God created him and he’s omnipotent, so why not just take him out? God could turn into anything – Smaug, an Apache attack helicopter, even just a speeding lorry – and Satan wouldn’t stand a chance with his shitty little trident.

Why is the Bible so confusing?

The obvious answer is ‘multiple authors’. But doesn’t this also mean they could have made it all up, like George Lucas? Also, whoever wrote Genesis really didn’t think it through, because with so few humans to begin with, any population growth is the result of non-stop incest. Ew.

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European countries suspend Oxford jab over fears it turns you gammon

FRANCE, Germany and Italy have suspended use of the UK-developed AstraZeneca vaccine following reports that it turns you into a raging gammon.

European leaders leaders came to the difficult decision after a number of the 11 million vaccinated became red-faced, belligerent and obsessed with defending statues.

A shaken Emmanuel Macron told his country he had to balance the risk of coronavirus with the risk of France being overrun by Wetherspoons full of blokes in their 50s drinking lager and talking common bloody sense.

He said: “This vaccine being from the UK was obviously a concern from the beginning. It’s like a xenophobic 28 Days Later.

“We feared that we might find microscopic particles of anti-EU sentiment in bloodstreams, but never imagined it would produce such a strong tendency to admire Jeremy Clarkson and complain that we were never grateful enough for World War Two.”

Parisian boulangerie worker Guillaume Dubois said: “I got the vaccine last week. Croissants? F**k off. I’m serving bacon baps and the Frogs can like it or kiss my arse.

“Love the Queen, hate Corbyn and BLM – simple as. As soon as I can I’m getting out of this cosmopolitan shit-hole and moving to Basildon.”