Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Six signs everyone thinks you're a f**king terrible driver

DOES anyone getting into your car first ask questions about whether it has working airbags? Then you’re the kind of driver everyone hates being in a car with. These are the signs: 

Your passengers hold onto the roof handles for dear life

If your passengers’ knuckles are white with the force they’re exerting holding onto the roof handles, they may not be entirely confident of your motoring.

The question of how many driving tests you took always seems to come up

Cars are meant to be great environments for conversation, but whenever you’re at the wheel it always seems to come back to the subject of your driving tests, how many you took, how the f**k you passed, whether your examiner was legally blind, etc.

They keep interrupting your phone calls

When you’re on the phone for an important call about what Carl said to Sophie about Judy, it’s irritating being interrupted by remarks like ‘I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but that truck’s now chasing us’ or ‘Actually this isn’t a dual carriageway’.

Comments like ‘wow, we’re so close to that Audi I know what dealership sold it’ are made

It’s hardly your fault when other cars won’t get out of the way, but passengers seem to think that if you’re close enough to another car to see what the kids in its back seats are watching on their tablets, you’re too close. What happened to intimacy?

Everyone suddenly ‘fancies a walk’

You arrive at traffic lights with a bit of a skid and a screech and suddenly the friends you’re giving a lift to fling the doors wide and jump out, claiming they want to walk home and the fresh air will do them good. Even though they’re six miles from home and head straight to the bus stop.

Passengers begin to pray at the sight of a double roundabout

Double roundabouts can be tricky, and the noise of someone in the front seat commending their immortal soul to the Lord is distracting. Brake suddenly and give the Vs to a taxi driver to turn their mutterings into keening and wailing as they just hope the end will be quick.