Six things you've never understood about the Easter story

HAVE you been confused about Jesus’s crucifixion ever since you learned about it at school? Here are some issues that really need clarifying.

How does dying for our sins work?

What’s the mechanism behind this? Apparently God designed the universe so that humans can go to Heaven, but only if his son is horrifically murdered. That’s pretty f**ked up in itself, but also note that God himself does not volunteer to be crucified. Cheers, Dad.

What was Jesus’s job, exactly?

What did Jesus do to support himself whilst pissing off the Romans? He could magic up fish and wine, but that probably didn’t happen, and if he could, why not just create money? The Bible is strangely quiet on this subject, possibly because the authors didn’t want to put ‘self-employed handyman’ or ‘beggar’.

Why is it called Good Friday?

Yeah, ‘good’ means ‘holy’, but it’s still stupid. You don’t get much worse days than being flogged, nailed to a cross, then stabbed. And that includes your annual performance review. It’s like calling funerals ‘Happy Burying Nana Day’.

Were the disciples a bit gullible?

Did none of his disciples think ‘Hang on, this Jesus guy might be a nutter’? Saint Peter clearly had his doubts, and denying Christ was actually pretty sensible in the circumstances. Another issue overlooked by the Bible, but then you don’t read it for straightforward, common sense advice.

Why didn’t Jesus kick some Roman arse?

Jesus could have let himself be crucified for a bit, but really just have been toying with the Romans, then suddenly turn massive like Doctor Manhattan in Watchmen and beat them all to a pulp with the cross. There wouldn’t be many people who dared not to be a Christian after that. Plus it would have been epic.

What was the whole Mary, Joseph and God set-up?

God didn’t actually shag Mary, but even so, was Joseph cool with the whole thing? Did they discuss it? Why is Joseph such a deadbeat dad, never seeming to stay in touch with Jesus? Above all, couldn’t God have got his own girlfriend? He is God after all. He could have made a Scarlett Johansson from a spare rib.

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Huge f**king satellite dishes, and four other stupid 2000s status symbols

IF you were keen to be an aspirational show-off in the 2000s, certain status symbols were vital. Was your house full of this sort of tat?

Dreamcatchers

What better way to show off your new fascination with the ‘spiritual’ and ‘New Age thinking’ than by buying a dreamcatcher from Homebase? While some feathers tied to a bit of wood might be incredibly meaningful to some Native American cultures, they have absolutely no place in a semi-detached home in Peterborough.

Satellite dishes

Perhaps the defining status symbol of the decade, as they were massive and bolted on to the side of your house. Now all your neighbours, and any passers-by, could see that you were paying truly extortionate sums for access to hundreds of obscure American shopping channels that you never watched.

Robotic dog

There was a brief and bizarre period where every child became obsessed with owning an incredibly rudimentary robot dog. Buying your child a piece of tat costing north of £100 that moved like C3PO with arthritis must have made sense if you were looking for a ‘pet’ that wouldn’t shit all over your new pattern rugs.

A home entertainment system

Fathers became obsessed with the idea of turning their living rooms into ‘home cinemas’. This basically involved spunking vast amounts of money on a set of massive speakers and a profoundly expensive DVD player that would become obsolete before the end of the decade, all so they could watch The Day After Tomorrow with the curtains drawn.

Random decorative bowls

For some reason, anyone trying to appear well-to-do in the 2000s filled their homes with small decorative bowls of crap such as pot pourri, or even just pebbles. Whatever mastermind somehow convinced the world that glass dishes filled with, essentially, smooth gravel were a decorative must-have is a true genius.

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