Thursday, 15th April 2021

Six things you've never understood about the Easter story

HAVE you been confused about Jesus’s crucifixion ever since you learned about it at school? Here are some issues that really need clarifying.

How does dying for our sins work?

What’s the mechanism behind this? Apparently God designed the universe so that humans can go to Heaven, but only if his son is horrifically murdered. That’s pretty f**ked up in itself, but also note that God himself does not volunteer to be crucified. Cheers, Dad.

What was Jesus’s job, exactly?

What did Jesus do to support himself whilst pissing off the Romans? He could magic up fish and wine, but that probably didn’t happen, and if he could, why not just create money? The Bible is strangely quiet on this subject, possibly because the authors didn’t want to put ‘self-employed handyman’ or ‘beggar’.

Why is it called Good Friday?

Yeah, ‘good’ means ‘holy’, but it’s still stupid. You don’t get much worse days than being flogged, nailed to a cross, then stabbed. And that includes your annual performance review. It’s like calling funerals ‘Happy Burying Nana Day’.

Were the disciples a bit gullible?

Did none of his disciples think ‘Hang on, this Jesus guy might be a nutter’? Saint Peter clearly had his doubts, and denying Christ was actually pretty sensible in the circumstances. Another issue overlooked by the Bible, but then you don’t read it for straightforward, common sense advice.

Why didn’t Jesus kick some Roman arse? 

Jesus could have let himself be crucified for a bit, but really just have been toying with the Romans, then suddenly turn massive like Doctor Manhattan in Watchmen and beat them all to a pulp with the cross. There wouldn’t be many people who dared not to be a Christian after that. Plus it would have been epic.

What was the whole Mary, Joseph and God set-up?

God didn’t actually shag Mary, but even so, was Joseph cool with the whole thing? Did they discuss it? Why is Joseph such a deadbeat dad, never seeming to stay in touch with Jesus? Above all, couldn’t God have got his own girlfriend? He is God after all. He could have made a Scarlett Johansson from a spare rib.