Slobbery dog blanket valued at $12 billion

AN old blanket that has been lining a dog’s basket is worth $12 billion, it has emerged.

The blanket’s owner arrived at the valuation shortly after it was claimed that Twitter was worth $11 billion.

Slobbery-blanket billionaire Nikki Hollis said: “There’s no way my old, hair-covered blanket is worth less than what is basically a bucket of digital ejaculate.

“I mean, it’s a pretty good blanket. Sure it’s got some dog-related stains on it but if you look at the label it was from Marks and Spencer.

“Whoever buys it could put it in the washing machine and trim up the ragged edges, they’d have themselves a good third-hand blanket.”

Digital economist Roy Hobbs said: “When you consider that the blanket is a real, useful thing and Twitter isn’t, you have to admit she’s probably right.

“Now if Apple expressed an interest in the blanket that would probably double the value to $24 billion.

“I’m not sure that’ll happen though. The Apple team seem like the kind of people who might have allergies to dog hair.”

 

 

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Balotelli 'didn't know he's not supposed to kill people'

MARIO Balotelli last night said he was ‘surprised’ at Roberto Mancini’s angry reaction to the bomb he planted under his car.

The Manchester City striker insisted the 1kg device was a ‘spur of the moment thing’ and that he would ‘probably have forgotten to detonate it anyway’.

He said: “Now everyone is saying I lack professionalism. That seems unfair. It was just a medium sized car bomb. I do it all the time.”

The attempted murder of his manager could be the final straw for the Italian international following his attempt to use a massive, two-handed sword at corners and free-kicks and his Christmas Eve CS gas attack at the Arndale Centre.

Balotelli added: “Mancini has always been like this. When we were both at Inter Milan I had a leopard that I used to starve for a few days and then release at training.

“The manager would get so angry with me. I could not understand why as my leopard was obviously really hungry. I sometimes think Mancini is a very cruel man.”

City’s owners now face the dilemma of trying to offload the mercurial striker to a manager that is okay with random car bombs.

Footballologist Wayne Hayes said: “They’ll need to write some kind of water-tight ‘no murdering’ clause into his contract. The lawyers will have a field day.”