Smith Cracks Down On Council Spies Before They Catch Her Doing Something Dodgy

HOME secretary Jacqui Smith has pledged to crack down on council spies to prevent them from catching her doing something appalling.

Ms Smith said councils should only use covert surveillance in serious cases, which did not include poking about in people's bins, looking for their cable TV bill.

The Regulation of Investigatory Powers Act (RIPA) allows public authorities to intercept electronic data and film suspected criminals, but some councils have used it to crackdown on careless sneezing and people posting letters incorrectly.

In one case a local authority devoted 120,000 man hours and more than half its budget to gathering footage of as many different animals as possible going to the toilet.

Announcing the review, Ms Smith said: "These powers are supposed to be used to combat terrorism and hound smokers to death, not to film me putting my bins out early or framing a Tory MP.

"Responsible citizens need to know they can put their shredded expenses claims in the bin whenever they want without being treated like some corrupt, grasping, second-rate politician with no control over her department.

"And if you're concerned about getting your child into a good school there's no need to pretend you live in the right catchment area, just agree to fund my husband's hard-core porn obsession and I'm sure we can work something out."


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The Patronising Of Susan Boyle Goes Global

QUIRKY Scottish singing sensation Susan Boyle is set to be patronised all over the world, it emerged last night.

The brave 47 year-old, who has a lovely voice and a really great personality, even though she is chunky and rather plain looking, has agreed to be hugged by US chat show queen Oprah Winfrey.

But Boyle has been warned that, despite the severely patronising reaction from her UK audience, she may not be ready for the Oprah show, where more than a dozen people have been patronised to death since 1992.

Showbiz insiders say the brave church volunteer is set to make millions after her gutsy performance on Britain Must Be Stopped, which she will probably spend on some frumpy skirts and a cardigan, as well as a nice bit of salmon for Pebbles the cat.

Freak-wrangler Simon Cowell said: "I won't be giving her a makeover, she's financially viable the way she is.

"I think everyone, except me, was amazed she could talk, let alone sing. I just wish I could put her in a wheelchair. Without getting caught."

Amanda Holden, the inflatable judge, said: "Bravo Susan, you've really taught us something very special about what's inside each and every one of us if only we have the courage to dare to dream.

"I just admire you so much for getting out of bed every day and somehow managing to cope with looking like that."

Meanwhile Piers Morgan, the inexplicable judge, added: "I know that Susan claimed she's never been kissed, but does that mean she's a virgin?"