Smoking makes smokers more like non-smokers

SMOKING rots the brain until you start thinking like a non-smoker, it has been confirmed.

Researchers have discovered that if you keep smoking then you will become so pathetically stupid that you think other people’s legal habits are any of your business.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It rots your brain so much that you end up calling for fat people to pay more tax.

“Or you may demand large health warnings on bottles of Chardonnay, accompanied by a charming photo of an alcoholic’s liver.

“Then, in the terminal stages of tobacco induced brain-rot, you call for a ban on the sale of Tizer near primary schools.”

He added: “It seems that for the first 100,000 cigarettes, smokers are generally liberal-minded and tolerant of other people’s flaws. But shortly after that they become opinionated, busy-body fucknuts.

“The nicotine has damaged their brain so much that they think the government should decide how you live your life.

“Finally – and you might want to look away at this point because it gets a bit graphic – they actively support public health campaigns.

“Particularly those depicting the sad-eyed children of people who are not members of some shitty fucking health club.”

Professor Brubaker said that in a few extreme cases heavy smokers can even become the sort of hopeless cretins who think they have a right not to be offended.



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Benitez to black up

RAFAEL Benitez will don blackface during his time at Chelsea in a bid to reduce abuse from fans and players.

Benitez believes that becoming the league’s first minstrel-manager will be so confusing to everyone that they will be too scared to criticise him in case that makes them racist or black, or a black racist.

Benitez said: “I’m hoping to baffle the fans into stopping their booing by slapping on boot polish and answering all future questions in a thick Jamaican accent.

“At the very least it’ll make them think I’m not the guy who hated their guts whilst at Liverpool as they’re an easily-confused bunch.

“I also expect the players will start telling reporters that some of their best friends are me, so that will help training sessions go a bit more smoothly.”

He will further wrongfoot the team by playing only reggae played by white performers such as UB40 on the team bus and travelling with his father, who has been dressed up as a Sikh.

Benitez added: “If this fails I can always go back to the old schtick of pretending to be a paranoid lunatic with delusions of grandeur that kept Liverpool fans entranced for nearly six years.”

The Spanish beard model has been criticised by supporters for his incendiary comments about how he believed they could win the Champion’s League.

Many Chelsea fans protested against Benitez’s appointment by buying an expensive ticket for yesterday’s games so that they could wave misspelt handwritten signs that may or may not make him resign.