Sneaking home without telling anyone is best bit of night out

TELLING friends you are nipping to the bar then getting a taxi home instead is the best part of going out, it has been confirmed.

Although getting pissed and dancing to Taylor Swift at a shit club seems like a great idea at the start of the night, slipping away before the Jäger-train part of the evening happens is actually far superior.

Tom Logan, 31, said: “When I was 19 I thought I’d had an evening equivalent to the opening of Studio 54 if I ended up vomiting White Lightning into a shop doorway at 2am.

“As I’ve got older, it has been hard to maintain these cripplingly low standards and I have turned into the sort of arsehole who wants to feel fresh in the morning so I can go for a run.

“I am the type of who tells everyone he’s well up for staying up all night and getting munted with my old friends Mandy and Charlie, even though I’m secretly planning my escape.

“Despite claiming to be a good friend, I have no issue with lying to my mates and calling an Uber, then waking up the next morning to 57 missed calls from them and a half eaten doner.”

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Hungover man reduced to tears by Despicable Me

A MAN has blamed a hangover for making him cry at a repeat of animated comedy film Despicable Me.

Builder Roy Hobbs claims alcohol poisoning caused him to weep at the film about a cartoon supervillain befriending three orphans.

Hobbs said: “I was feeling rough after a Bank Holiday bender, so I idly flicked onto one of those daft animated films for kids while I ate a fry-up.

“Unfortunately, as the fairly predictable storyline about villain Gru growing fond of the orphans he’s kidnapped went on I suddenly realised I was weeping like a baby at this heartwarming bollocks.

“Clearly the booze had unbalanced my mental state, because there is no way a 46-year-old brickie would cry at a bunch of silly animated characters with their adorable little faces.

“I was even touched when Gru gave the minions a bedtime kiss, which was really strange because they’re basically yellow tubes with eyes.”