RUPERT Murdoch is to assume control of England in the wake of revelations about the DJ Jimmy Savile.
The government has announced plans to end society as we know it, starting with scrapping the license fee, abolishing the welfare state and banning so-called ‘grooming products’ like shampoo.
When a blank slate has been achieved Rupert Murdoch will assume the role of emperor, presiding over a nation where paedophilia is impossible because free will is banned and physical contact between humans punishable by death.
David Cameron said: “Our society is irredeemably corrupt. Even seemingly innocuous things like seat belt laws really are about restraining children for the benefit of predators.
“In order to protect children and ensure this can never happen again, Britain will become the state of Ruponia, where sexual urges can only be indulged vicariously via ‘celebrity nipple slip’ pictures in newspapers.
“Reproduction will happen via test tubes, freeing up your valuable time for working and consuming.”
Rupert Murdoch said, “With all state assets transferring to the hands of private corporations, no longer will rich and powerful men be able to manipulate ordinary, vulnerable people to their own, immoral ends.
“At News International, we have always thought first and foremost of the children.”