Society to be dismantled following Savile scandal

RUPERT Murdoch is to assume control of England in the wake of revelations about the DJ Jimmy Savile.

The government has announced plans to end society as we know it, starting with scrapping the license fee, abolishing the welfare state and banning so-called ‘grooming products’ like shampoo.

When a blank slate has been achieved Rupert Murdoch will assume the role of emperor, presiding over a nation where paedophilia is impossible because free will is banned and physical contact between humans punishable by death.

David Cameron said: “Our society is irredeemably corrupt. Even seemingly innocuous things like seat belt laws really are about restraining children for the benefit of predators.

“In order to protect children and ensure this can never happen again, Britain will become the state of Ruponia, where sexual urges can only be indulged vicariously via ‘celebrity nipple slip’ pictures in newspapers.

“Reproduction will happen via test tubes, freeing up your valuable time for working and consuming.”

Rupert Murdoch said, “With all state assets transferring to the hands of private corporations, no longer will rich and powerful men be able to manipulate ordinary, vulnerable people to their own, immoral ends.

“At News International, we have always thought first and foremost of the children.”


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Frankel switching to snooker

THE greatest racehorse of all time is to become a professional snooker player.

Frankel has announced his retirement from the world of racing, having decided to shift his focus to the green baize.

Former snooker world number one Cliff Thorburn has been coaching the horse, who holds a cue via a specially-designed prosthetic hand that fits over his hoof.

Frankel said: “Racing is great but there are minimal tactics apart from ‘go slow for a bit so you don’t get knackered’. It’s hardly cerebral.

“I want mental stimulation, tactics, and a fan base that isn’t just intoxicated Irishmen.

“I’m a perfectionist in everything I do and absolutely confident in my abilities. In fact the hardest part will be not shitting everywhere as I’m used to being outdoors, crapping as I please.

“I’m debuting against John Higgins at the Crucible next month and I’ve already been warned that if I take a shit on the floor it’s all over.”

During his spare time, Frankel will also be participating in a breeding program.

He said: “It’s sex on tap, but I want to meet a nice mare and settle down, which is hard to do when they just see you as a semen delivery mechanism.”