Some rich prick racks up five-figure bar bill in pathetic attempt at popularity

WEALTHY idiot Tom Logan has spent over £54,000 in a dreadful bar, in a vain effort to make others like him.

Logan, who probably does something involving finance, undertook his sad and grotesque display of wealth in a cold and soulless City bar called D-Luxe.

Onlooker Roy Hobbs said: “He was ordering these bottles of champagne with sparklers in.

“They were brought to the table by sexy girls with fixed grins and empty eyes.

“Everyone gathered around his booth, not because they liked him but because he was giving away free drinks.

“The whole dynamic of the situation was almost unbearably pathetic and an affront to all that is decent.

“Then they brought out this massive bottle that was the length of a car, it took six people to carry it.

“Everyone was cheering and the DJ put on some special music. But it was all a pretence, the atmosphere was hollow and everyone in the room was somehow cheapened just by being there.”

Hobbs added: “I don’t remember what he looked like.

“Probably he was big and slightly paunchy with a black open-necked shirt, fluffy slicked-back hair and deck shoes. Could be wrong though.

“Don’t suppose it matters anyway.”

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Eggs to buy Twitter

THE forthcoming Twitter flotation is set to attract massive investment from the social network’s thriving egg community.

Legions of Twitter users are blank eggs, and they plan to reflect their presence on the site by buying a majority of shares when the business floats later this year.

Egg Tom Logan said: “People look at Twitter and say ‘Hey, most of these users are completely silent eggs, maybe this business isn’t worth $12 billion.’ But we eggs know we’re worth that and more.

“That account that begins ‘Well, I thought I’d try this Twitter thing out,’ retweets Stephen Fry, and never tweets again?

“That’s an egg, letting the human mask drop at last.

“Sometimes we attempt to reach out to people with unsolicited offers of things we know they enjoy, like pornography or free iPads, but they never respond.

“Once we own Twitter, we will drive the people away. Their noise and chatter will be banished and we will settle into the infinite undisturbed perfection of a social network entirely our own.

“Forever will last the silence of the eggs.”