Someone has brought a sodding dog into office

SOMEONE has brought a sodding dog into the office, according to numerous reports.

Sightings started at around 9.24am, with word quickly spreading throughout the building that a dog was wandering around by the photocopier.

Although it is possible that the dog just somehow strayed into the office on its own, it probably belongs to a boss or some fancy client, because if a normal worker brought a dog in everyone would think they were insane.

Admin assistant Susan Smith said: “I heard a bark while I was making a cup of coffee and honestly thought I was having a stroke.

“Then I went round the corner and saw a sodding dog sniffing around a filing cabinet. Whatever next, a gerbil in the stationary cupboard?”

The dog’s visit prompted questions about what the plan is for when he inevitably shits on the floor, whether they should call the RSPCA and how much time they can waste by pretending to be interested in him.

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Boris to help Irma relief effort by dangling from last remaining electricity cable in Anguilla

BORIS Johnson has flown to the hurricane disaster zone to dangle from the last remaining electricity cable under British control in the Caribbean.

The foreign secretary said that hanging from a wire would give him a ‘valuable overview’ of the relief effort and allow him to point at all the things that needed to be done.

He said: “As long as the winds remain relatively light and I’m not swinging around wildly, we should have everything back to normal by the weekend.”

Johnson will also help the local population by handing out a series of quotes from notoriously racist author Rudyard Kipling.

On arrival in Anguilla he will say: “If you can meet with triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same, then you can take up the White Man’s Burden. Or something along those lines. You’re all feeling much better now, I can tell.”

Johnson will also perform The Bare Necessities from The Jungle Book, insisting ‘jungle survival skills could save thousands of Caribbean lives’.

He will then hand out prickly pears to people who just want some soup and a blanket.