A SURREY man has returned from a trip to Manchester with outlandish stories of it being ‘alright actually’ and ‘quite like London’.
Joseph Turner visited the city for business and has southern friends and colleagues goggle-eyed at his stories of functioning roads, tall buildings and branches of Starbucks almost like the ones at home.
Wife Maria said: “Apparently the natives are largely clothed, young women excepted. They even have teeth and you can’t tell they’re Northern until they speak in their strange, drawling tongue.
“At lunch he not only managed to get a cappuccino, he also somehow sourced pepper pork in a ciabatta wrap. The sourdough sandwiches I’d packed him went untouched.
“It sounds absurd but he promised me they have bars as well as pubs, cocktails not just bitter, and nobody punched him the face even once. They even have flats that cost a million pounds, just like our more advanced southern civilisation.”
Turner added: “It was amazing, almost like a little London suburb up there in the rain-swept wastes hundreds of miles away.
“I got one of the indigenous women pregnant but it doesn’t matter, I’ll never see her again. Perhaps she’ll name the baby after me.”