DOES your girlfriend seem enthralled by your tale of a nil-nil draw? That’s because her mind is preoccupied with these things instead:
How wrong you’re getting the details
From who nearly scored to the amount their transfer cost, you’re getting every detail of the match you’re droning on about wrong. Your girlfriend doesn’t even keep up to date with sport, but she can’t help absorb the information via cultural osmosis. What’s your excuse for being so stupid, she’ll wonder while bunching her fists.
How well she’d do on dating apps
You two got together before dating apps took off, so your girlfriend has always been curious as to how well she’d do on Bumble or Tinder. You’re so engrossed in some story about a buyout that she could download them in front of you, set up a profile and start getting matches, and you wouldn’t even notice. Good for her.
How right her mum was about you
Your girlfriend initially brushed off her mum’s poor opinion of you, but as you waffle on about some tedious local fixture she’s beginning to side with her. You are indeed a man child who’s coasting through life with no prospects on the horizon. Who’s the bigger idiot though, you, or her for putting up with you for so long? It’s you.
Whether you’re going to wish her happy birthday
As your dreary monologue enters its 22nd minute, your girlfriend will begin to lose hope that you’re going to segue into wishing her a happy birthday and whip out that necklace she’s been dropping hints about. Surprise parties always have a boring build up as a red herring though, so she’ll keep the faith until midnight just in case.
Nothing at all
When she realises you’re going off on one about sport, your girlfriend’s brain gets flooded with an endorphin that clears her head of thoughts. She knows she doesn’t need to listen and isn’t expected to reply, so biology treats her to a little mental vacation. It’s the same thing that happens to you when she explains how to wash up properly for the hundredth time.