What your girlfriend thinks about when you talk about sport

DOES your girlfriend seem enthralled by your tale of a nil-nil draw? That’s because her mind is preoccupied with these things instead:

How wrong you’re getting the details

From who nearly scored to the amount their transfer cost, you’re getting every detail of the match you’re droning on about wrong. Your girlfriend doesn’t even keep up to date with sport, but she can’t help absorb the information via cultural osmosis. What’s your excuse for being so stupid, she’ll wonder while bunching her fists.

How well she’d do on dating apps

You two got together before dating apps took off, so your girlfriend has always been curious as to how well she’d do on Bumble or Tinder. You’re so engrossed in some story about a buyout that she could download them in front of you, set up a profile and start getting matches, and you wouldn’t even notice. Good for her.

How right her mum was about you

Your girlfriend initially brushed off her mum’s poor opinion of you, but as you waffle on about some tedious local fixture she’s beginning to side with her. You are indeed a man child who’s coasting through life with no prospects on the horizon. Who’s the bigger idiot though, you, or her for putting up with you for so long? It’s you.

Whether you’re going to wish her happy birthday

As your dreary monologue enters its 22nd minute, your girlfriend will begin to lose hope that you’re going to segue into wishing her a happy birthday and whip out that necklace she’s been dropping hints about. Surprise parties always have a boring build up as a red herring though, so she’ll keep the faith until midnight just in case.

Nothing at all

When she realises you’re going off on one about sport, your girlfriend’s brain gets flooded with an endorphin that clears her head of thoughts. She knows she doesn’t need to listen and isn’t expected to reply, so biology treats her to a little mental vacation. It’s the same thing that happens to you when she explains how to wash up properly for the hundredth time.

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Vladimir Putin's demands in return for gas this winter

Britain. Not enough respect I get from you. You want the gas, this winter? You want cosy and warm-warm? This is what I get from you. 

Me on a horse on a coin

You make a 50p for Brexit? You make a 50p for Vlad. Vlad on a rearing stallion, shirt off, abs sculpted, flowing mane of hair. On the other side the Queen with half-smile of repressed eroticism, you got me? I have my sculptor call you. Nice boy but he costs.

Two women a month

Your country you have the ladies, you know? And not 18-already-done-porn like Russians. Send me two a month of your best: your Florence Pughs, your Helen Mirrens, your Jesy Nelsons. They will not regret it except no other man compare, so ruined.

Trip to Salisbury Cathedral

I hear it’s nice. Close associates tell me this.

Me on a horse on the BBC

Those BBC bits between the programmes? Nothing at moment. A waste. Instead Vlad on a horse riding through grasslands, leaping rivers, shooting bear. We have the footage already. Not CGI bullshit, real thing. Verifiable. It will inspire your men.

A knighthood and castle and that shit

I have castles, what? Of course I have castles. I am Putin. But don’t have an English castle or a Scottish castle so give those, and a baronetcy and seat in the Lords and knighthood and all the shit. And front row at next Royal wedding. Don’t bother me they all married. They can divorce.

Our 13 days back

In 1918 Soviets switch calendars from Julian to Gregorian and lose 13 days. I want those days back. Don’t care how you do it, not my problem, but mother Russia gets an extra 13 days this year to redress injustice. I spend them on yacht.

Me on a horse outside Buckingham Palace

In Traflagar Square, at gates of Buckingham Palace, just by Westminster, we have a statue of Vlad on rearing stallion. Not vulgar, maybe 50 metres high and light up so can be seen at night. Vlad very popular in Britain, so everyone will like a lot. You want gas? Get it done.