Spiral Tribe plans week-long royal wedding techno street party

NOTORIOUS rave organisers Spiral Tribe are to stage an extended, royal
wedding street party until everyone collapses.

The ’90s traveller party crew hopes that the event, in a leafy Buckinghamshire cul-de-sac to be confirmed on the day, will attract around 30,000 well-wishers from around Europe, mostly arriving in large rusty Bedford trucks with no tax or MOT, for around a week of relentless, sweaty celebration.

Spiral Tribe spokeshuman Winnit said: “There will be all the classic street party ingredients, like bunting and lukewarm orange squash, but with the addition of facial tattoos, recreational horse tranquilisers and a sound system the size of Beaconsfield.

“Also there may be a few dozen roaming, semi-feral brindle dogs called Spike.”

He added: “If anyone has a problem with any of this, they clearly hate Britain, the Queen and the concept of marriage.”

Drug dealer Bill McKay said: “Possibly there may also be pills stamped with the Union Jack. What better way to reclaim the flag from the far right?

“Union Jack users will experience an intense rush of national pride that plateaus out into a warm sensation of patriotism lasting up to 12 hours at a time.

“Make sure you drink plenty of tea to avoid dehydration.”

Householder Nikki Ellis said: “Given that royal wedding fun is compulsory, what I like about this idea is that it will be too loud to hear my neighbour’s excruciating small talk.

“That alone is worth getting burgled for.”

 

 

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Mobile users spending 100% more than necessary

BRITAIN’S mobile phone users could save hundreds of pounds by babbling shite at a calculator instead, say researchers.

As a new study showed that 75% of users are on the wrong contract, further examination of the content of their texts and calls showed that not a single word of it was worth paying for anyway.

Campaigners are now calling for legislation forcing phone providers to stop offering lengthy contracts with massive call-time and text allowances to unspeakably dreary gobshites.

They want a tightening of the regulations similar to reforms which stopped banks and credit card companies from selling chocolate payment protection fireguards.

Phoneologist, Dr Wayne Hayes, said: “The main problem appears to be people getting a much larger contract allowance than they actually need for fear of going over their monthly allowance without once considering the option of getting a cheaper contract and shutting their bastarding faces.”

He added: “A simple way of saving money is every time you’re about to send a text with ‘lol’ in it, just punch yourself in the teeth and put 10p into a jar.

“And you could wait until you next see your friends before giving them your soul-destroyingly banal views on the latest batch of televised fucknuts.

“Or if you’re using your phone to browse the internet for videos of kittens just, y’know, don’t.”