Steiner schools blamed for this hat

THE Waldorf-Steiner education method is responsible for a piece of headgear that offends all aesthetic sensibilities, it has been claimed.

The hat, pictured right, belongs to a former Steiner pupil and simply should not exist in any rational universe.

So-called ‘Steiner’ schools, inspired by the teachings of 19th-century visionary Rudolf Steiner, are an increasingly popular choice for the type of parents who believe in gnomes and The Guardian.

However they have attracted controversy for a liberal, ecologically-sensitive arts-and-craft-based agenda that encourages quasi-ethnic homemade headwear of the type that could have been designed by a blind smurf.

Nikki Hollis, mother of the offending hat-owner said: “I chose a Steiner school for my children because I felt state schools did not cater adequately for my child’s needs, without realising the effect it would have on their fashion sense.

“They started coming home dressed in dreadful homespun garments, looking like shit ewoks. I also noticed they were developing appetites for ‘world’ music and the type of poor quality dub reggae obviously made by caucasian road protesters.

“I put them back in state school and they’ve since returned to wearing sports casualwear.”

Former Steiner pupil Tom Logan said: “When everyone around you is wearing bad hats, it seems normal.

“I guess you can have too much freedom. Sometimes you just need someone to say, you look utterly ridiculous, Bio-Dynamics is an absurd idea and the Eden Project is a deeply unexciting day out.”



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Bikes and cars fundamentally incompatible

THE combination of pedal-based transport and motor vehicles on roads is utterly insane, it has been confirmed.

As France changes its laws to give cyclists a small, survival-rate-increasing head start at traffic lights, the Institute for Studies has stated that fast metal boxes and slow, wobbling dangerously-exposed humans can never happily co-exist.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “One of the key reasons for this whole car/bike thing not working at all is that little eggshell hats offer somewhat different levels of protection to, for example, a big fuck-off lorry cab.

“We’d all like this relationship to work, but for the same reason that riding a pogo stick through a herd of panicked bison isn’t a great idea, it doesn’t.

“Cars and bikes playing nicely together is a bit like weekend ‘mini-breaks’ to countries more than three hours away, or the simplistic pacifism of the John Lennon song Imagine – a basically  flawed notion that humans can’t resist clinging to.

“Maybe the solution is two separate roads. Or that everyone in the country cycles on a Tuesday.

“I don’t know, it’s a real toughie.”

Cyclist Emma Bradford said: “Cycling to work helps the environment and brings an exciting element of immense peril to my otherwise hum-drum routine.

“Personally I’m pinning my hopes on fossil fuels running out before something really bad happens.”