RESTAURANTS across Britain are being urged to stop serving food that looks like a lady’s fandango.
According to consumer watchdogs sushi bars are the worst culprits, followed closely by pizza restaurants that sell disgustingly explicit, half-open ‘calzone’ pizza wraps, and steak houses where the layout of the surf ‘n turf leaves little to the imagination.
Tom Logan, a food eater from Stevenage, said: “I go to our local sushi restaurant regularly and I’ve ordered the beef tataki dozens of times, but I’d never seen it arranged like this.
“The chef had placed two large slices of rare steak up against each other and had stuck the decorative king-prawn at the top, poking out from in between them. It looked like some sort of fried clitoris with eyes.”
He added: “I was eating with my wife and her elderly grandfather at the time, and he kept dropping the prawn in between the slices of meat. Watching him repeatedly try and fish it out with the little chopsticks made me physically retch at the table. I honestly didn’t know where to look.”
Bill McKay, from Doncaster, said: “It was the first date for Sue and I. We’d only spoken on Ebay a couple of times after the guinea-pig I sold her died in the post.
“I tried to play it safe and order the pan-fried chicken quim with a tomato and clam sauce. But when it turned up it was absolutely outrageous. There was no place I could really start cutting into it that wouldn’t have made me look like a total psychopath.”
However, restaurant owners insist consumer demand for snatch-like food has increased thanks to popular TV cookery shows such as Delia Smith’s How To Make Food Look More Like a Fanny.