Stressful deadlines 'completely made up', admit bosses

BOSSES have confessed that the nightmare deadlines they set for staff are made up entirely at random.

Roy Hobbs, a senior manager from Leeds said: “I’ve delegated all of my actual work so if I don’t spend time setting needless deadlines for my team to meet, I have nothing to do.

“Sometimes the deadlines are for work that could be completed at a sensible pace, but most of the time it’s work that simply does not need to be done at all.”

He added: “Sometimes it’s a case of me fucking with people just because I can.”

Stephen Malley, the managing director of a recruitment firm said: “Earlier in my career, I ran around chasing projects and delivering reports for my boss and it made me the hypertensive, bald divorcee I am today.

“I feel it’s only right to pass that opportunity for personal development on to the next generation.

“Plus I always enjoy taking the team for a Nando’s when they think they’ve achieved something.”

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Labour given 500,000-vote head start to make this vaguely interesting

THE Labour party will receive a head start in the election to try and inject a bit of tension, it has emerged.

Jeremy Corbyn and Theresa May agreed that Labour could have half a million ‘starter votes’ in recognition of the country’s increasing desperation to care about all this.

Political analyst Eleanor Shaw said: “Everyone agreed this election was about as exciting as reading a lengthy Agatha Christie book when you’ve already seen the film and know the gardener did it.

“A bunch of bonus votes should make Labour feel a bit more involved. It’s like the handicap system in golf, but for democracy.”

Voter Roy Hobbs said: “This was looking more predictable than a Marvel superhero film, but now it’s like there’s everything to play for. It could go either way.

“But with Labour unveiling bold, exciting policies like nationalising the water industry, it probably won’t.”