Strike-hit workers competing over bullshit travel stories

BULLSHIT stories about epic commutes during strikes are spiralling out of control, it has emerged.

As another Southern Rail strike follows yesterday’s tube strike, workers are spending their extended journey time thinking up heroic commuting tales to outdo colleagues.

Emma Bradford said: “I usually get the tube from Leyton to Liverpool Street, which was actually reasonably easily navigated with a bus and a half hour walk instead.

“There wasn’t enough suffering in that though, so I snapped the heel off one of my shoes and rubbed my face on the side of the bus to make me look a bit more like I was returning from some sort of mythical quest.

“Everyone was really impressed with me until Neil from HR turned up soaking wet and said he’d swam across the Thames just so he could make it in on time.

“I’m pretty sure he just ran through the shower in the gym downstairs, but I didn’t want to look like a sore loser.”

Accountant Wayne Hayes said: “I rode a horse to work today, but it broke a leg when it got spooked by a wild puma.

“Then a bear appeared and I hit it over the head with my laptop, after which it respected me and became my pet.”


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Sheep actually full of radical opinions

MANY sheep have extreme political views, it has emerged.

Although often criticised for a lack of individuality, sheep actually spend their lives discussing fringe ideologies and listening to obscure indie bands.

Sheep Donna Sheridan said: “I’m basically a Trotskyist although I am also strongly influenced by conspiracy theories about ancient astronauts.

“I think Marcus Rashford should be the first name on the England teamsheet, but I’m in favour of the legalisation of all drugs and the return of national service.”

Fellow sheep Mary Fisher disagreed: “Rashford is an overrated fraud, and the army should be abolished and the money used for space exploration.”

Fisher said that in any herd, you will find sheep weighing up the artistic output of Woody Allen, and arguing about whether The June Brides were a better band than The Pastels.

She said: “People assume we sheep all think the same way just because we’re scared of dogs.

“But a border collie will follow orders without question, which is a terrifying personality trait for independent freethinkers like us.”