Student home from university moaning about lack of Ubers in tiny village

A STUDENT home for the summer cannot believe there is not an Uber available in the tiny village where his parents live.

Nathan Muir is back in Banhurst in Kent after studying in London, and despite being clever enough to win a place on a sociology course is baffled by the difference between the UK’s capital and a village of 200 people. 

The 18-year-old has also complained about the lack of craft breweries, pretzel stands, buskers, graffiti, IMAX cinemas and novelty pubs where you have to be dressed as a tennis player to get in.

Muir said: “It’s like literally going back to the Dark Ages. I’m not sure I can stand it here much longer because I’m a London person who’s been in an Uber now.

“I can’t believe there’s only one bus, and that only comes three days a week. Seems like it gets dark earlier, too. Wake me up when they get a Pret.”

Despite Muir’s outrage and disbelief there are no plans to improve infrastructure in the village.

Local resident Norman Steele said: “What more do we need? We’ve got a well, a tree and a shop, although the shop closed down 20 years ago. What’s an Uber?”

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Man tries to fix wi-fi connection by doing same thing 4,000 times

A MAN who has lost the internet connection in his house is convinced he can solve the problem by repeatedly connecting and disconnecting things.

Stephen Malley, 41, has spent the last three hours flicking the switch on the router on and off before reacting with amazement that his technical mastery has not solved the problem.

Malley’s wife Fiona said: “Regaining access to the internet is Stephen’s sole mission in life now. 

“Should he restart the computer or unplug the landline and stick it back in again? Or should he disconnect the router from the power entirely, as if that will make a difference?

“In a few minutes he’ll turn the plug off and on with a triumphant flourish before gradually coming to terms with the fact that it has done literally nothing to alter the situation.”

Stephen Malley said: “Victory is edging closer, I can sense it. My computer wants me to give in and join BT Openzone, but I’ll die before I give it the satisfaction.”

Fiona Malley added: “He’s started muttering ‘touché’ after Facebook fails to load, as if he’s Sherlock Holmes locked in a battle of wits with Moriarty. I’m starting to get a bit worried.

“Also guinea pigs learn much faster than this.”