Students, families, old people: why every category of humanity is a nightmare neighbour

LIVING in close proximity to anyone, from any age group or walk of life, is an unmitigated disaster. These are the reasons why: 


Young people are barely human. Putting them in a large group, high on their own ability to stay up all night? Unendurable. Inside the house their kitchen’s so filthy it’s breeding new bioweapons. Outside, they’re hosting a spontaneous 200-person rave in their garden on a Tuesday. And all eight of them have f**king cars.


Proud of having hooked a mate for life, two individual wankers join together as an immovable force of selfishness. Trying to work? They’re having a blazing row about her texting her ex. Trying to sleep? They’re having make-up sex against the wall.


Regardless of whether the children were born within wedlock they’re little bastards for a full 18 years, from wailing at 3am to littering your garden with frisbees to holding parties and flicking cigarette butts onto the roof of your extension. And despite it all, their parents imagine you have a friendly relationship and send Christmas cards.

Old people

Once their kids leave home it gets worse. Now the twinkly-eyes old dears spend every waking hour outside making their lawn look better than yours, lodging complaints about the number of minutes you left your wheelie bin outside after it had been collected, and expecting lengthy interactions every time you pass.


It’s also a real bastard to have nobody next door to collect your online shopping, remind you when bin day is, hold a set of keys for when you’ve lost yours pissed at 3am, and call the fire brigade when you fall asleep an hour later with smoke pouring out of the kitchen windows.

A serial killer

Wonderful neighbours by all accounts, keep themselves to themselves, very quiet, friendly when you pass them on the street, you’d never suspect for a moment. Sadly few of us can be so lucky as to hit this next-door jackpot.

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Office DJ: the six twattiest self-appointed workplace titles

WORK is something to get through to get paid, but some dickheads perversely desire recognition from their colleagues. These are the most egregious self-stylings:

Office DJ

All it took was a Bluetooth connection for this guy’s grip on the speaker to become a chokehold. Constantly adding tracks and checking for reactions to his musical journey, he believes himself to be dictating the office mood and rhythm. He’s played the same Keane song three times in an hour.

Team comedian

Maverick morale booster whose idea of a mid-morning zinger is emailing a gif last popular in 2014. If ever given the opportunity will force you to watch an eight-minute supercut of Super Hans from Peep Show. You’ll force laughter until your manager catches and reprimands you.

The quizmaster

Has missed the memo that quizzing’s over now we’ve all got smartphones. Leaps at any opportunity to set a quiz, constantly showing off their knowledge of river lengths, attends pub quizzes most weeknights and will one day drag you along, where you’ll cringe yourself inside-out while they dispute every other answer.

Festivities organiser

Keeps a record of every employee’s birthday. Buys the card a week before so it can be passed around and signed. Goes out at lunchtime to buy the present. Ensures the birthday boy or girl buys a suitable cake. Sends the email asking everyone to gather at the desk for the cake and to sing. Does f**k all work.

Mr Lover Lover

Horny. Wants everyone to know it. Leaps on any opportunity for innuendo. Has not got laid in three years.

The only sane one here

The most insidious of the bunch, this person gets off on endless eye-rolling at all the antics of her wild co-workers. The wacky stuff that happens here! It’s not wacky, Sandra, it’s been a dull ten minutes where someone explained the concept of Naked Attraction to you to kill time.