LIVING in close proximity to anyone, from any age group or walk of life, is an unmitigated disaster. These are the reasons why:
Students
Young people are barely human. Putting them in a large group, high on their own ability to stay up all night? Unendurable. Inside the house their kitchen’s so filthy it’s breeding new bioweapons. Outside, they’re hosting a spontaneous 200-person rave in their garden on a Tuesday. And all eight of them have f**king cars.
Couples
Proud of having hooked a mate for life, two individual wankers join together as an immovable force of selfishness. Trying to work? They’re having a blazing row about her texting her ex. Trying to sleep? They’re having make-up sex against the wall.
Families
Regardless of whether the children were born within wedlock they’re little bastards for a full 18 years, from wailing at 3am to littering your garden with frisbees to holding parties and flicking cigarette butts onto the roof of your extension. And despite it all, their parents imagine you have a friendly relationship and send Christmas cards.
Old people
Once their kids leave home it gets worse. Now the twinkly-eyes old dears spend every waking hour outside making their lawn look better than yours, lodging complaints about the number of minutes you left your wheelie bin outside after it had been collected, and expecting lengthy interactions every time you pass.
Nobody
It’s also a real bastard to have nobody next door to collect your online shopping, remind you when bin day is, hold a set of keys for when you’ve lost yours pissed at 3am, and call the fire brigade when you fall asleep an hour later with smoke pouring out of the kitchen windows.
A serial killer
Wonderful neighbours by all accounts, keep themselves to themselves, very quiet, friendly when you pass them on the street, you’d never suspect for a moment. Sadly few of us can be so lucky as to hit this next-door jackpot.
