Friday, 4th December 2020

Stupid things it's fine to get worked up about instead of shit that matters

DON’T sweat the small stuff, say wankers everywhere, but life does not seem to bear that out. Here are five stupid things it’s fine to expend mental energy on instead of actual problems.

Cyclists riding two abreast

For most people, this is at worst slightly inconvenient. For a frothingly furious few, it’s a terrible crime viewed as an attack on the sacred rights of car drivers. Extra points if you have a tantrum about the fact that ‘cyclists don’t pay road tax’, which was abolished in 1937.

Other people’s parenting styles

Don’t think it’s appropriate for your mate’s toddler to eat Frosties for dinner? Instead of presuming that the frazzled parents are doing their best, why not make passive-aggressive judgemental comments next time you go round? After all, the last thing you need during this difficult time is friends.

Christmas stuff in shops before December

‘It comes earlier every year’ people say, as if they’re fighting through stacks of mince pies to get to the swimming costumes in M&S in June. These moaning minnies are the same people already furious about not being able to have a ‘real Christmas’ because of lockdown. Basically, they just love to whine.

20mph zones

How dare the nanny state control our every move? It’s surely our human right to be able to kill each other by driving like bellends down residential streets. A couple of deaths are definitely worth it to shave two seconds off your drive to Tesco.

Celebrities not looking glamorous

The sight of a celebrity looking a bit knackered when photographed in the street sends people into paroxysms of emotion. Magazines write bleeding-heart articles about the pressures of fame whilst twats on social media tear into them like pack of deranged dogs. Have a think about how good you look when popping out for a pint of milk, and shut up.