Healthy food choices that will make you feel nothing but f**king hungry

CONVINCED that healthier eating habits will turn your life around? Here are five poncey foodstuffs to include in your diet that will leave you feeling completely famished.


Very filling and sustaining, if you’re a mildly peckish sparrow. As a fully grown adult, swapping out your customary post-work bag of paprika kettle chips for handfuls of sunflower seeds will leave you ravenous and asking what is the point of life if you can’t gorge on crisps.


Sounds like a rare and disgusting foot condition, or the name of the poshest child in the playground. The reality is equally off-putting: it’s bright green algae in powder form. Miraculously good for you, but guaranteed to shit all over any breakfast food you add it to.


Swap big, satisfying helpings of pasta for a soggy bowl of quinoa and you’ll soon be feeling a little bit sad. Packed with nutrients and proven to lower cholesterol, these disappointing little flecks of goodness will make you live longer while questioning whether you really want to.

Alfalfa sprouts 

If you want to completely ruin a salad or a sandwich, these nutrient-dense stalks of pure evil are a great place to start. Not even the most pungent vinaigrette can mask their farty taste, and you’re likely to end up dumping your whole lunch in the bin.

Cacao nibs

They say dark chocolate is good for you. But why make an easy choice when you can remove every shred of joy from the chocolate experience by trying to get these tiny, rock-hard shards down you. It’s like eating out of a grit bin, except less tasty.

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Virtue signalling is pathetic, says man wearing massive poppy

A MAN who thinks people expressing opinions about their values is a bad thing is wearing a great big poppy no one can fail to see.

Jack Browne believes anyone who makes public statements in favour of good causes is only doing it to make themselves look good, whilst having a large public statement pinned to his chest.

Browne said: “Snowflakes who are into worthy causes are only doing it for their own egos. It’s just moral grandstanding, unlike me and my ginormous poppy, which is completely different.

“I don’t actually do anything for old soldiers apart from pay 50p for a poppy. Unless you count getting quite aggressive about people not wearing one. I’ll be watching those BBC presenters like a hawk.

“It’s not like trendy causes such as global warming. I’m wearing a poppy out of decency, concern and respect. Those environmental hippies are probably just in it for the drugs.

“Would I give a homeless veteran on the street a quid? No, that’s just virtue signalling. Like the brave men on the Normandy beaches, I’ve done my bit.”