You're going to live with nutjobs: the 30-something's guide to house shares

THINKING of moving into a house share because you can’t afford to live by yourself? Here’s the nightmarish living arrangement you’ve got to look forward to.

You’re going to live with nutjobs

These people haven’t found a partner to move in with for a reason. Could it be their repellent personalities, their chronic weed addiction, or their obsession with the Joe Rogan podcast? It won’t take long to find out. Don’t feel too superior though: you’re one of them now.

There’s a bullshit interview to pass

Just lie your way through it like a job interview by saying you’re really fun and laid back. Once you’re burrowed in like a tick you can gradually reveal your true, boring self and there’s nothing your housemates can do about it except move out en masse.

Say goodbye to showering in peace

The days of taking a leisurely shower until the hot water runs out will be a thing of the past. Instead you’ll have to hose yourself down in less than a minute because someone could burst in at any second to take a shit. As for running a bath, forget it.

Kitchen utensils will never be clean

You’ll hate yourself as you leave passive-aggressive notes around the sink urging people to wash up promptly. You’ll briefly suck it up and scrub everything yourself, before caving in and living on a diet of takeaways. Or, completely out of character, you’ll be driven to set up an annoying cleaning rota and make yourself a social pariah.

Learn to block out shagging noises

You’d think noise-cancelling headphones would live up to their name, but you’d be wrong. Even padding the walls and ceiling of your box room with acoustic insulation and putting on thrash metal won’t do much. Try to kid yourself that the loud rhythmic squeaking noise is actually some mice dancing a merry jig between the floorboards.


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The Tory party guide to purging your party of racism

LABOUR is in turmoil over its handling of antisemitism. Here Tory minister Norman Steele explains how his party is completely free of racism and welcomes people of a funny colour.

We put them at ease by joking about them

Ethnic minorities know they’re welcome in the Tory ranks thanks to references like ‘watermelon smiles’ and ‘piccaninnies’ – good-natured banter which pays them the respect of letting them know we know they can take a joke. 

We don’t have these embarrassing racism investigations 

That’s the mistake Labour made. If you go snooping around listening to what party members are saying and looking at their Twitter comments you might find that 40 per cent of the Conservative Party are Islamophobic. But we’re not doing that so we won’t be finding evidence of racism any time soon.

Our members are paragons of anti-racism

You’ll never find a pissed-up local Conservative councillor getting into trouble for offensive comments about ‘spear chuckers’ or similar at a party. We’re the true party of multiculturalism. Why, some of my best friends are Saudi Arabian.

We strongly believe that All Lives Matter

It’s a bit like children. You give one, say, the black one, special treatment and then you’ve discriminated against the yellow ones, the light brown ones and the normal white ones. So telling people that ‘All lives matter’ ensures a level playing field and definitely isn’t a dog whistle meaning ‘Yeah, we’re all a bit sick of these minorities, right?’.

We employ Priti Patel, for God’s sake

The very existence of Priti Patel proves conclusively that there is no racism in the Tory party. I mean, she’s one of them, right? And it sends out a wonderful message to the ruthless careerist community – you are very welcome in the Tory party.