Successfully opening stuck jar better than sex

OPENING a jar that nobody else has been able to open is better than achieving orgasm through intercourse. 

Research showed that twisting the top off a stubborn jar of gherkins in front of several people who have failed to do so also beats Christmas, being promoted or the birth of a child.

Tom Logan of Wrexham said: “I’ll never forget the date. November 19th, 2008. Mum had run that jar of pickled onions under the hot tap and Dad had whacked it on the sideboard, but it just wouldn’t shift.

“Even my brother Mick, who does weights at the gym, couldn’t do anything with it. Then I step up, like a hero, and with one twist it’s off.

“I became a man that day. And it tasted sweet, Sweet, like a sweet, sweet onion in vinegar. Best day of my life.”

Brother Mick Logan said: “Whatever. I fucking loosened it for him.”

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Johnson's foreign policy 'entirely based on 70s war comics'

BORIS Johnson’s strategy for dealing with other countries is based on his collection of children’s war comics, he has revealed.

Johnson gets guidance on international affairs from 1970s adventure comics including Commando, Battle and Warlord.

Johnson said: “In any dealings with Russia I consult Commando #272, Red Eagles of Stalingrad, in which Russians are shown to be tough winter troops who nonetheless respect the courage of their enemies.

“I’ve also learned that all French people are in the Resistance, so I intend to improve relations by parachuting him some crates of grenades.

“The Germans are ruthless and prone to shooting prisoners, so I will wear a tin helmet and carry Lee-Enfield rifle in all Brexit negotiations to make sure we’re taken seriously.

“They have a weakness though, which is always obeying orders. Therefore my plan is to disguise myself as Angela Merkel and say, ‘Give ze Tommies ein highly favourable Brexit deal!’

“By the time they realise they’ve been duped we’ll have escaped by driving a stolen kubelwagen through a checkpoint.”