Summer romances: things you thought you'd have as a teenager but never did

WERE your teenage years a huge disappointment? These are the things you thought would make them magical but didn’t ever happen:

Summer romances

Too many teen novels had you convinced that every summer you’d meet a gorgeous guy or girl, share a passionate, six-week love affair, and then write dreamily romantic letters to each other for the rest of the year. Shame you spent every holiday in Torquay with your gran, then.

A celebrity encounter

Everyone’s cousin had a highly convincing story about running into Noel Gallagher at their local shopping centre, so you reckoned it was bound to happen to you at some point. Sadly, the closest you ever came was seeing Lesley Joseph in a pantomime, which was just a bit pathetic, especially as your dad fancied her.

A glow-up

While liberally applying Clearasil to your pimpled face, your mum always promised there would come a time when you’d transform into a butterfly, and all the girls would be desperate for your attention. It never happened, and now you’re also starting to lose your hair.

A secret talent

Many great coming-of-age stories hinge on the subject having a life of incredible success after discovering they’re naturally amazing at the guitar or karate, and you always assumed your secret skill would emerge sometime in your teen years. Needless to say, the only thing you got really good at was masturbating.

Quality anecdotes

When your parents told stories from their youth, they were tales of coming across unexploded WW2 bombs or sneaking out of the house at night to go to a Sex Pistols gig. Sadly, your days spent inside playing Donkey Kong haven’t produced similarly fascinating anecdotes.

An inseparable group of friends

Books and films convinced you that once you’d found your gang at school you’d all be friends forever, going on adventures and sharing life’s burdens into old age. What actually happened? You grew apart, made new friends based on criteria other than ‘sits next to me in science’ and now nod just awkwardly at each other in the supermarket,

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David Tennant, and other men women still haven't gotten over

FROM TV heartthrobs to 90s pop stars, some men will always have a hold on your girlfriend’s heart. She’d leave you for these guys in a second:

David Tennant

For most women, Doctor Who was just something for nerds and children before the gorgeous Mr Tennant came along and made this load of nonsense about aliens and time travel appointment viewing. You get the feeling your mother-in-law would love him too, that f**king lovely Scottish Dalek-skinning bastard.

Robbie Williams

The naughtiest pop star of the late 90s, Robbie will forever be associated with the time in her life when she had everything ahead of her, and the idea of shagging a celebrity was still glamorous and, to her young, optimistic mind, a genuine possibility. No matter how old, saggy and strange he gets, Robbie will always be her Rock DJ.

Leonardo DiCaprio

Yeah, she’s heard all the jokes about how he’ll only date women who are barely old enough to go out for cocktails with him in Hollywood. But in her heart every woman thinks she could tame the Oscar-winner with a hearty home cooked spag bol and the kissing techniques she learned from Just Seventeen magazine as a teenager.

Paul Rudd

Twinkly-eyed Paul had your partner hooked from his first outing in the movie Clueless and continues to be the most charming and dateable guy in the world as far as she is concerned. It helps that he looks exactly the f**king same as he did then, and is now officially a superhero. You can’t even hate him, because you fancy him too.

George Clooney

The greatest panty-dropper of all time, Clooney is every bit as appealing as he was back in the day. Plus he doesn’t mind being married to a high-flying human rights lawyer, so your girlfriend is pretty sure he wouldn’t be intimidated by going out with a modestly successful office administrator from Nantwich.