Six statements of corporate bullshit every company feels obliged to make

BUSINESSES love trotting out spurious bullshit on their websites. Which statements are embraced by all companies trying to convince us they aren’t evil?

We care about your privacy

A lovely, heartfelt sentiment that would make you feel reassured if it wasn’t immediately followed by an aggressively invasive cookies policy in which you sign away every scrap of your personal data along with your first born child.

Cancel your subscription whenever you like

How, exactly? By visiting the office in person and solving a fiendish riddle? Pulling a sword from a stone? Instead, you click on every possible link on the website before giving up and suffering the monthly subscription until the company goes bust or you die of old age. Whichever happens first.

‘We’re the market leader in…’

Hard to prove or disprove, and always followed by precisely zero data to support the statement. Plus every single company in the industry is claiming the same thing, which makes you increasingly suspicious that they’re all talking bollocks.

We are targeting net zero

What this actually means is that the staff are forced to print important work documents out at home because they work in a ‘paperless’ office, and the company hasn’t yet admitted that the CEO has a private plane.

We have a relaxed, informal culture

A company that says this means they have a relaxed, informal culture up to the point where an employee is ten minutes late because the bus broke down and their line manager suddenly wants to have a serious talk about their commitment to their role.

Our mission is to change the world

Usually accompanied by earnest statements about disrupting the industry and revolutionising the system, while ignoring the fact that they sell car parts in a warehouse off the Banbury bypass and it isn’t necessary for them to pretend to have aspirations beyond making a profit.

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Driving to Barnard Castle not the most bullshit excuse you’ve ever heard anymore

DRIVING to Barnard Castle has been overtaken by looking up tractors and being ambushed by porn as the worst excuse you have ever heard.

The reigning champion of shittest justification ever has been knocked off the top spot by Neil Parish’s claim that he was looking up tractors when he was surprised by pornographic images.

Martin Bishop from Daventry said: “Dominic Cumming’s bullshit excuse that he was driving to Barnard Castle to test his eyesight had a good run. And to be honest I thought it had a couple more years in it.

“I mean, how do you top getting behind the wheel with your wife and child when you’re not sure you can see? Somehow though Neil Parish has pulled it off, and to him I say bravo.”

Mary Fisher from Kendal said: “He must have been up all night honing the ridiculousness of that excuse. I just hope he took a moment to congratulate himself when he struck upon the idea of combining porn and agricultural vehicles. It’s genius.

“An infinite number of monkeys hammering away at an infinite number of typewriters could never come up with an idea so hilariously bad, yet he made it look effortless.

“He should be given a knighthood. Or sacked for being a pervert. Could go either way, given the current state of the Tories.”