Surrey man assumes anyone with a Northern accent is left-wing

A SOUTHERNER has been shocked to discover that not everyone from the soot-blackened, impoverished North is a dyed-in-the-wool socialist.

Martin Bishop, from Godalming, assumed people from north of Oxford suffered from the ‘politics of envy’ and were extremely left-wing due to their coarse accents keeping them in their place and only being able to afford tripe.

However on his first trip to Yorkshire for work at the age of 43, he was astonished meet a Northern train passenger whose reactionary Tory views exactly matched his own.

Bishop said: “My immediate reaction was, ‘You’re putting me on. This is one of those crap Channel 4 prank shows and there’s hidden cameras in the carriage, right?’ 

“But she said there was a long-established Conservative party operating across various wards in Sheffield. I asked what the devil for, when everyone’s a socialist who just wants government handouts?

“Marjorie, her name was, said lots of Northerners voted Tory. That was an eye-opener. I thought British politics was set up for rich people to make money and leave the North to rot. I didn’t realise some of them went along with it.

“Not to be prejudiced but it seems Northerners are thicker than I thought, and I saw the ones on TV who praised the government for all the food banks.”

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Seven film trilogies that can be summed up in a text

SOME films think they merit a whole trilogy, often with instalments lasting three f**king hours. But why waste your time watching them when most can be summed up in a text?

The Hobbit

Little lad gets obsessed with jewellery, meets some other little lads. They piss about in the countryside then meet a wealthy dragon. The little shits murder him, have his gold and go home. Also there are goblins.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Lady who doesn’t think she likes getting spanked on the bum finds out she does in fact like getting spanked on the bum, thanks to a rich bastard whose spare room is for weird shagging. After much faffing about and trips to B&Q for more rope and duct tape they eventually fall in love. That was shit.

The Omen

Satan comes back to earth as a kid and kills Doctor Who. His dad is pissed off with his new dog. Unfortunate incident with a lake. Unfortunate incident with a lift. Unfortunate incident with a baby and an iron. Satan grows up, pulls, dies.

Night at the Museum

All the shit in a museum comes to life. Despite this apparently happening every night, it always results in pure f**king chaos, and everything must be back in its original place by morning. Has something to do with a magic Egyptian tablet. Everything turns out okay.

The Human Centipede

German man studies to become a scientist. Doesn’t do normal science with chemicals or the moon, sews people’s faces onto other people’s arses. Sequels are dead meta, loon watches previous films, sews even more faces to arses. Everything turns out not okay.

The Mummy

Bloke from past with bad skin is repeatedly accidentally brought back to life by Brendan Fraser. Wants to murder humanity, so Brendan has to kill the leathery bastard again. This happens twice in Egypt and once in China. Brendan eats lots of cakes after. 


Older man wants to shag a teenager. Unusually, he realises it’s a bad idea, partly because of their age gap, partly because he’s a vampire. They end up shagging anyway and having a child, but not before numerous vampires and, confusingly, werewolves die. Oh and the ending was all a dream.