Tattoos must reflect owners’ averageness

TATTOO parlours must use designs that accurately reflect their recipients’ unremarkability.

The new ruling was introduced after a bitter divorcee used Celtic-themed body art to pass himself off as a wild Pagan romantic.

Oriental lettering will be banned from people who have never been further east than Southend, and customers requesting a butterfly will have to go away and transform themselves into something beautiful first.

24-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I asked for ‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’ as I’ve always loved Professor Green’s lyrics, but I ended up with ‘I will die of natural causes aged around 82’.

“When I complained to the manager they offered to do another one for free but that one just said ‘I really never learn, do I?’ under a picture of a doughnut.”

The most popular design – a dolphin – will be used only in exceptional circumstances for exceptional people and will generally be replaced by a battery hen to more accurately reflect the customer’s lifestyle.

Existing tattoos will be allowed to remain as the older tiger, dragon and skull designs are gradually replaced by depictions of an open-plan call centre and parents not hugging their child enough.

Tattooist Wayne Hayes said: “It’s really affecting business and I’m already getting bored of inking ‘I am an attention-seeker’ over and over again.”