Tattoos must reflect owners' averageness

TATTOO parlours must use designs that accurately reflect their recipients’ unremarkability.

The new ruling was introduced after a bitter divorcee used Celtic-themed body art to pass himself off as a wild Pagan romantic.

Oriental lettering will be banned from people who have never been further east than Southend, and customers requesting a butterfly will have to go away and transform themselves into something beautiful first.

24-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “I asked for ‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’ as I’ve always loved Professor Green’s lyrics, but I ended up with ‘I will die of natural causes aged around 82’.

“When I complained to the manager they offered to do another one for free but that one just said ‘I really never learn, do I?’ under a picture of a doughnut.”

The most popular design – a dolphin – will be used only in exceptional circumstances for exceptional people and will generally be replaced by a battery hen to more accurately reflect the customer’s lifestyle.

Existing tattoos will be allowed to remain as the older tiger, dragon and skull designs are gradually replaced by depictions of an open-plan call centre and parents not hugging their child enough.

Tattooist Wayne Hayes said: “It’s really affecting business and I’m already getting bored of inking ‘I am an attention-seeker’ over and over again.”

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I was shocked to discover I am 'thinspiration'

Dear Holly,

I was shocked to discover recently that I am apparently thought of as ‘thinspiration’ by anorexic girls everywhere. How can I become a more positive role model? I am particularly interested in reaching out to girls with dry or damaged hair.

Donna
Newcastle 

Dear Donna,

Since Miranda Simpson was caught twerking in the playground last week, our head teacher, Miss Nutkins, has banned every girl in the whole school from having unsuitable role models, and has circulated a formal list of sanctioned individuals, from which we are each at liberty to select our own personal idol. The list includes a range of inspirational women including Marie Curie, Boudicca and Joanna Lumley. I hadn’t heard of any of them except Cherie Blair and she’s not at all pretty, so in the end I plumped for some dead nurse lady called Florence Nightingale. Since then I have been mostly focusing on improving my bedside manner and developing a secret addiction to opiates.

Hope that helps!

Holly