Tax breaks to encourage two people to fantasise about killing each other

THE government is to introduce tax breaks that will encourage two people to draw up elaborate plans for murder.

Despite Lib Dem unease, prime minister David Cameron is to press ahead with the policy, insisting families need both parents to dream about dissolving each other’s bodies in the bath.

A Downing Street source said: “A strong society needs strong families where the mother and father have made a solemn commitment to each other that will slowly evolve into a constant exchange of threat and counter-threat that is underpinned by a deep, homicidal loathing.

“Drug-ridden one parent households or families with unmarried parents who ‘live together’ can never provide the sort of environment that is full of places to hide the body until one night you manage to sneak it into the boot of your car and drive it to a lake.

“By allowing hate-filled couples to keep more of their earnings we can ensure they have enough money to fly to central America or bribe the chap who operates the car crushing machine.”

Meanwhile, self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’ Nick Clegg was warned not to compare the policy to an idealised 1950s lifestyle because right now the 1950s sound not too bad.

Stephen Malley, professor of 1950s comparisons at Roehampton University, said: “Full employment and the promise of great music and sexual liberation as opposed to economic doom, a Joe McElderry Christmas album and everyone being too drunk to have proper sex.”

The move follows the prime minister’s declaration that Britain is a ‘Christian country’ though experts said that is probably based on the number of people who say things like ‘Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike’ or ‘For Christ’s sake shut the fuck up, you cock-faced, right-wing bastard’.

Helen Archer, author of It’s Not Called the Conservative Party by Accident, urged the Lib Dems to just get on with it, adding:  “I would rather pay a six per cent yield on our government debt than have another 24 hours of this pandering, Anne Widdecombe-in-trousers bullshit.”


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North Korea to execute Kim Jong Il's heart attack

KIM Jong-Il’s fatal heart attack is to be executed by firing squad, it has been confirmed.

North Korea’s gas-powered state TV channel announced to the four people with televisions that the myocardial infarction was apprehended ‘within hours’ by the  world’s best police force and charged with high treason.

A spokesman said: “After stopping the heart of the world’s greatest flamenco dancer and inventor of the Beatles it tried to escape down the finest trouser leg in the history of universe.

“With the invaluable help of the ghost of the Dear Leader, our invincible policemen chased it into an alley where it surrendered, burst into tears and then urinated on itself like an American cowboy homosexual.”

Paying tribute to Kim’s ghost, the spokesman added: “All the scientists who have ever lived say it is the most amazing ghost there will ever be.  All other ghosts must commit suicide.”

The blockage of the coronary artery will now be tortured, tried and executed in accordance with Kim’s wishes.

The spokesman said: “It will be made to sing a song called Kim Jong-Il’s Gigantic Sex Organ Makes All Women Hungry for Him and then it will be shot with 9,000 bullets shaped like the Dear Leader’s incredible head.”

Meanwhile, people across the globe thanked the heart attack for such a lovely Christmas surprise.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “If I had to choose my ideal festive occlusion of the coronary artery, it would be this one.

“The only thing that could have made it any better is if the pain and suffering it caused went on for absolutely fucking ages.”

He added: “Did Noel Edmonds do this?”