Teacher unsure about getting smashed eighth night running

A TEACHER unsure if he can manage an eighth straight night of drinking acknowledged that half-term gives him little choice. 

29-year-old secondary school teacher Tom Booker told friends that, despite the debilitating physical effects, he feels honour-bound to spend the last nights of his holiday drinking until 3am and sleeping in until 1pm.

Booker continued: “It’s a job with responsibilities, and one of those responsibilities is making the most of a week off in October.

“Some of my colleagues take walking holidays or pop to Center Parcs with the kids, but I’m single and not outdoorsy so I spend the week getting shitfaced.

“Two more nights to get through, then on Sunday I have a big roast dinner and a bath and rock up Monday like I spent the whole time marking homework.”

Booker added: “Plus one of the year 12 lads has been in the pub every night so far, so to maintain discipline in the classroom I need to show I’m more hardcore than he is.”

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Man at dinner party may be leader of the Liberal Democrats

A SMARTLY-DRESSED man at a posh dinner party may well be Tim Farron, fellow guests have realised.

Suspicions began to grow that the man, who is in his mid-40s and of average height and weight, was the leader of a minority political party between the main and pudding courses.

Julian Cook of Devizes said: “He’s a Tim, but that doesn’t mean anything by itself. There are lots of Tims.

“But when I asked what he did for a living, he replied ‘Aside from the obvious?’ and told me actually it’s a very demanding position despite what happened last year, which left me no nearer.

“He does know Nick Clegg. Still, I suppose so do lots of people.”

Susan Traherne, who hosted the party, admitted she has known Tim since university but has never really been sure of his occupation.

She said: “He was planning to go into politics but I never heard anything else about it so assumed he’d given up on the idea. But the orange tie, the general hopelessness, I should’ve figured it out.

“I’ve a dreadful feeling I was slagging off the Lib Dems in the kitchen earlier in the evening. I hope he didn’t hear.”

Tim Farron said: “Oh for God’s sake. This is like the ninth time I’ve told them.”